The Queen's Meme #3

Completed by Royal Decree.

This week I'm attempting her Culinary Meme. I know nothing about cooking, so wish me luck as I try to navigate these unfamiliar waters.

1. If you could put thyme in a bottle, what is the first thing that you'd like to do? Put it on YouTube. There are people out there who would demand visual evidence of what I'd just done. I am, after all, the woman who uses her kitchen drawers to store mittens, scarves and earmuffs during the offseason.

2. Do eggs really crack or do they merely have a nervous breakdown? I believe they have nervous breakdowns. At least Egghead did. He is one of my all-time fave rave Batman villians. His crimes were egg-ceptional and his inevitable capture by the Caped Crusaders was always egg-scrutiating.

3. Why are you whipping the butter? What did it ever do to you? I flatly deny the charge. I'd never whip butter! In fact, I revere butter and all her cousins. You know that scene in the Wizard of Oz where the Wicked Witch's soldiers and monkeys are chanting? I hear them droning, "O-leo. Oh, oh. O-leo."

4. Do your spoons spoon in the drawer? Have you ever noticed? And more importantly, if wooden spoons spoon do they get splinters? What goes on in the drawer, stays in the drawer.

5. You hear: "Dumpling, my Dumpling, come hither." The candles are lit, the fondue is dipping, the Godiva is pouring, the scallions are steaming and the music is playing.....but wait, the windows are open. Why did you close them? Because, as father used to say, we don't want to air condition the outside, do we?

6. Do you need a recipe to cook or are you a bohemian chef? Show us your reckless and wild side in the kitchen. Don't have one? Here's a recipe I made just for you: You will need a spatula, a whisk, a gallon of Chardonnay, a banana and a rump roast. What is the name of your dish? Lee Remick. Because my friend Mindy's dad, Mr. Goldenberg, always used to say, "Now, Lee Remick, what a dish!"

7. After dinner, the dishes are so dirty that the dishwasher refuses to wash them. What did they say to get in hot water? Something vulgar and classless. My dishes are White Sox fans. They can't help it.

8. Is your pot black? Is the Pope Catholic? Do bears shit in the woods?

9. What is the sexiest spice or condiment in your cabinet? What makes it so? The ketchup. I'd say that I love what comes out after I shake it and give it a little squeeze, but that kind of crass gutter talk is White Sox-worthy.

10. How much crock is really in your crock pot? I don't have a crock pot because my crock cannot be controlled nor contained.