It's the end of my workday. No one MADE me do this. It's the kind of thing only a real dunce would do:I googled an old boyfriend. Found a photo of him ... and his wife ... celebrating their 8th wedding anniversary. The photo was taken by their 4-year-old son.
I never really loved him. When I think back on our relationship (and, to be honest, I don't do it often), I'm not even sure we liked each other. I suspect we were just highly compatible sexually, he was lonely, and I was ruled by Baby Lust.
So why did I look him up? Bored, I guess. Why did this send me into an emotional tailspin? Because at times I wish I'd had a more conventional life. Not with him, necessarily, but with someone I really loved, someone I could nurture and protect, just as he would nurture and protect me, in an uncaring world. (That's the way Time magazine recently described marriage and I thought it was lovely.)
But, as Elizabeth Edwards discusses in her wonderful book Resilience, we have to be in the present and live the life we have NOW. That perfect life we remember probably wasn't that perfect and besides, it's gone … and it's stupid to waste today by longing for yesterday or "what might have been."
So I will take off my dunce cap, dust myself off, and head for home and try to appreciate the blessings in the life I have.
You are not a dunce at all.
ReplyDeleteDesiring to be in a supportive and fulfilling relationship is a very human and honest need. I don't think "counting your blessings and gifts" otherwise (and you have many) negates that need, nor should it. When I'm in that "what if" mode of my own it never helps me, because none of the rest of my life can make up for having someone to "nurture and protect in an uncaring world." I would be lying if I said I didn't want just that.
So there.
I loved this post. It show vulnerabilty few dare to express. We all think and wonder about past lovers, whether we loved them or not...
ReplyDeleteYou are not a dunce. Not even a little bit.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Mimi, Bud and Kwiz ... it is so very human to say "What if?" and to wonder if the grass is greener.
ReplyDeleteI check out past boyfriends too ... and am friends with one on FB. Although he was not the great love of my life, he was/is a wonderful and kind man and it makes me happy to see him in a good relationship. (I remember seeing the wedding announcement in the newspaper many years ago and I cried and cried. I left him for a dumbass and while he and I weren't a good fit, he was a wonderful partner to me. I totally deserved my dunce hat then.
Anyway, it was a lovely and (as Bud notes) vulnerable post. You are a treasure. Know it.
I agree with everyone...you are not a dunce...normal...honest and I can tell you we ALL have these thoughts...just not honest to put them to pen & paper.
ReplyDeleteThose of us who married and screwed it up are the dunces!!!
If you're an idiot, then most of us humans are. It's normal to want partnership. Humans are social animals, and partnering animals.
ReplyDeleteIt's also normal - and smart - to look back on what we've done. Our past informs our present to help us plan for the future. And sometimes it hurts a little.
And so we dust ourselves off, and get back to our lives with a little more insight. Sounds to me like you did it exactly right.
We all have regrets but I can tell you there is nothing more sad or lonely than being in a bad marriage. I suspect those who never married envision an idealized life in the random family home. At my midlife I can count on one hand marriages I think may have been good and fulfilling. It's difficult to make a relationship good over a short period of time, nearly impossible to make it good with all the evolutions of human nature to make it good for a long time. I do admit, children make the bad times worth it -- now that I've escaped! But hey, have a child, or adopt -- get the best of both worlds.
ReplyDeleteI thought everybody googled old flames! I always wonder what ever happened to this one guy - and we never even dated - it always seems we were meant to but stuff kept getting in the way. I am happily married and wouldn't change a thing, but human nature still makes me curious to wonder whatever happened to that guy and how things might have been. He probably became a Yankee fan or something - ugh!
ReplyDelete