I'm watching Joel Osteen right now (yes, I have my own minister, but sometimes I need his predictably sunny brand of Christianity). He is talking about listening to the wrong inner voice. Instead of listening to personal condemnation, I should tell myself: "I have made mistakes, but I know I am forgiven." (I know that as a "gay-loving baby killer," aka Liberal Democrat, I'm not supposed to take comfort from God's forgiveness, but I do.)
Or, as my minister has said, "God doesn't expect us to succeed. He expects us to try."
I do have a tendency to be hard on myself. In every area except my work, I often feel deficient. I'm not pretty. I'm lazy. I'm pudgy. I have a bad temper, paired with a quick tongue, which can be a brutal combo. I can be judgmental. I'm undisciplined. I'm selfish.
And I'm a coward. I'm terrified of flying. The talisman I held in my hand as I took off and landed this past week was the printout of an email I received last Friday from my best friend. I felt stressed and sent out an SOS,* telling him that I was at the end of my tether … with people appearing in my doorway every five minutes there was no way I could get all my work done. He wrote:
"There is a reason that everyone is in your doorway. You have great insight, you are compassionate, you are genuine, you are understanding and deep down you truly care about people. It is no accident that people come to you for advice. You do things all the time that make a difference in peoples lives.
"Not everyone would be willing to adopt all the sheltered animals and all the wild children running around Target, Walmart and Kmart."
Joel is saying I should "bold enough to believe" what my best friend wrote. I'm trying. I'm growing. I'm working at doing better where I must and trying to appreciate my good qualities.
And I'm very literal. If it's in writing -- black type against white paper -- I tend to take it more seriously. So I shall clutch that piece of paper when I'm blue or frightened and take reinforcement from it.
*"Finding Solace and Strength from Friends and Strangers." Thank you, Elizabeth Edwards, for reminding me I can and should ask for help.
Well hello there.
ReplyDeleteI like Joel too; he has a nice smile and he really only preaches what I already know but it's nice to hear it from someone else too, ya know? Found you on MyBlogLog.
Just thought I'd say hello.