Frown turns upside down

I admit it: I've been struggling more than I imagined I would. Losing my dear friends, John and Henry, has broken my heart. Yes, it is a comfort to know that they are both happy and whole again in Heaven. I know neither of them would want me to be sad and so I look for joy in every day (and find it). 

But it's the loneliness. I miss them. I met John when I was 23, Henry when I was 34. I'm now 66. That represents a lot of love. So many birthdays, Thanksgivings and Christmases. So many memories. As October turns to November and December, I feel so alone without them.

But I am not alone, and buckle up, because here comes some joy. I am getting support and finding inclusion from the loved ones who remain.

•  Big birthday fun. I mentioned to Joanna that this will be my first birthday in for-fucking-ever without my dear old friends and boy, has she ever jumped into the breach! First we will tour Chicago's Christkindlmarket on its Opening Day (coincidentally, my birthday). Then we're having lunch at The Walnut Room, by their 45-foot tree! That 3:00 PM reservation was not easy for her to snag. Chicagoans have been making The Walnut Room part of their holiday tradition for more than 115 years, and at first we couldn't get in on the date requested. By Joanna would not be deterred! She kept checking every day, in case there was a cancellation, and voila! I am so grateful for her commitment.

•  Thanksgiving at Cooper's Hawk. John used to organize this and he called it "Orphan's Thanksgiving." For more than a decade there were three of us. Now there will be two. I wasn't sure Gregory would want to do this without him, but he does and I'm thankful for that. I suppose this event might be sad, but I've had so much change! I want this tradition to continue. John used to tease that the reason for this gettogether wasn't Thanksgiving, it was to get me into something other than a Cubs t-shirt. I will dress up again in his memory.

•  It's a Wonderful Life at The Music Box. It's a Christmas classic at one of Chicago's oldest movie theaters. Santa himself shows up before the film and leads us in song -- and, if we're lucky, we can snag the candy he tosses to us. This will be my third time doing this with Elaine, and she's excited. We've already got our tickets.

You know, perspective is a funny thing. I think of Joanna and Elaine as "new" friends because, compared to Henry and John, they are. But I've known them for years (11 for Joanna, 8 for Elaine). My shrink pointed out that not everyone maintains friendships as long as I do, and she reminds me that I now have history with these women and that's worth celebrating, in and of itself.

•  Christmas at my niece's house. For more than 20 years I spent at least part of the holidays in Key West with Henry. It was important to him, and he'd refer to my visit as his vacation. When she heard Henry had died, my niece ordained that I now spend Christmas at her new home in Michigan. She has declared herself the new matriarch of our clan, said she's hosting Christmas for the first time, and she wants me there. I get such a kick out of her. She's so bossy! (Trust me, no one orders me around like she does, which is pretty bold coming from someone I diapered.) But I am looking forward to spending Christmas with her, her husband and my nephew. Yes, my sister (her mom) will be there. But I'm confident it will be OK because niece has deigned it so and believe me, you don't want to cross her on this.

So now I'm facing forward with more optimism. Yes, it makes me sad when I look at my holiday gift list and see neither Henry's nor John's names there. Certainly I still miss them every day. But I'm buoyed by the love and support I still have.