Heartbroken all the same

Gregory never calls. He emails and texts, but he never calls. So as soon as I saw his name on my phone, I swallowed hard.

John spent the night in Intensive Care. He remains there today. As I post this, I don't yet know what's wrong with him.

John has been incommunicado for months. He decided in January that he'd been drinking and smoking too much weed -- Duh! I've been telling him that for 15 years! -- and was going to take time to himself to "re-evaluate." While that sounds positive, it hasn't been.

First he quit his four hours/week job at his favorite bar. He opened the bar on Friday mornings and was on hand to sign for deliveries and do other administrative tasks, freeing up the bartender and staff to wait on customers.The $50/week has been nice, but so was the free food, discounted booze and enforced socializing. The bar gave John a place to go, a sense of belonging. I was surprised he gave it up.

Then he stopped seeing us. All of us. He had his reasons: no "walking around" money coming in, trying to stay sober, fear of public transportation ... all part of his "re-evaluation" process. Then he stopped communicating with us. All of us. He'd sporadically respond to emails. He never returned phone calls or texts.

It's been more than three months. Gregory is the one who lives nearest and, on Friday afternoon, took matters into his own hands and dropped in. What he saw disturbed him greatly.

John's color was "off." He's lost weight. He was confused. Gregory called 911. John was admitted.

Northwestern is a world-class hospital. We are so lucky here in Chicago that good health care is so available. I am comforted knowing he is where he needs to be. I am comforted knowing that John asked Gregory to call me because he knows I love him. I am comforted that tomorrow is Easter, the day when we celebrate rebirth.

But I am heartbroken all the same. John has been part of my life since 1981. I know him well and, looking back, he hasn't been himself for a long time. Around Memorial Day he was short tempered, which is not like him. Then at Thanksgiving he was distracted. 

He's diabetic. He suffers from heart failure. He's depressed. There are a lot of meds coursing through his system and he doesn't take care of himself. I'm hopeful that the doctors will get him on a new and different regimen and now that he's not drinking anymore, the drugs will work as they're designed to.

But I am heartbroken all the same.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash