Compassion Challenge: Day 8

We did this as a congregation in 2021 and I'm doing it myself this year. My life feels different now than it did 365 days ago, and I hope this will keep me grounded and help me live my faith.

Inspiring Compassion: The 30 Day Compassion Challenge. 30 days to explore the topic of compassion: Mindfulness, Compassion for Friends & Family, Self-Compassion, Compassion for All, Compassion for Our Planet.

On Day 8, I needed some Self-Compassion.

My dear friend Henry's husband Reg has been railing on Facebook again. About how miserable his life is. How hard it is to be Henry's sole caregiver. Henry suffered a TBI after a bike accident in 2018 and he is not the man he was before. This year has been particularly difficult. Henry has had two stints in the psychiatric ward because his grip on reality and the here-and-now is slipping away.

 

What Reg doesn't say is that:

 

1) Henry never got the occupational and physical therapy doctors recommended. Reg insisted he could handle it.

2) Henry has never been declared disabled. This would have released funds from Social Security. Funds Henry is entitled to. Reg won't do it. He has the name of an attorney who specializes in this. Reg won't even talk to him.

3) For all his complaints about caregiving, Reg has never received any training whatsoever. He won't join any support groups. He won't speak to a therapist. Even though our mutual friend Patrick has offered to pay for it.

I am offended. Why does Reg insist on putting Henry's personal life online like this? Because he's hooked on the "likes" and on hearing, "Poor, brave you."

I am angry. My darling Henry's life is slipping away, and Reg has engineered this. 

I am frustrated. Reg is Henry's husband. He has the legal right to make all decisions. All I can do is wring my hands and watch.

I am heartbroken. Henry can be so dear. He deserves better than this. 

I am guilty. Reg and Henry were happy once, and I know that many of the misguided decisions Reg made at the beginning were made from love. As keenly as I feel the loss of Henry, Reg's loss is greater. Who am I to be so judgemental?

 

I have to let myself off the hook. These are just my feelings. I have not responded to Reg's Facebook post. I haven't even acknowledged it. 

I am going to spend Christmas with Henry and Reg again this year. When I think of how Henry has deteriorated over the last 12 months, I suspect this will be my last holiday season with my friend. It's possible that by this time next year, Henry won't even know me. 

I hurt. I am mourning. 

If my reaction to Reg's Facebook post was harsh, so be it. I can't control my feelings but my actions have not been unkind. So there's that.