Friday, June 28, 2013

Weary

Nothing is wrong, really.

•  I believe my recent work has been well received.

•  Reynaldo still has his moments -- today he was most definitely threatening to pee on last week's PEOPLE magazine -- but he is definitely better behaved than he was a month ago.

•  My attorney is crafting a letter to my older sister, in which he will carefully and professionally advise her to stop being such a stupid bitch. The letter she wrote to me last week was so bad that he refuses to formally represent her in any ongoing or future matters regarding our mother's house -- which means if she wants representation she will have to hire her own, on her own dime. While I'm sorry it's come to this and I don't wish her ill, I did find it satisfying that he found her awful. I mean, when our mom was alive, just about everything she did was overlooked or forgiven in order to maintain peace and she had tacit permission to treat me any way she wished. It's interesting to see her through an outsider's eyes and hear that my perceptions aren't off -- she is a stupid bitch.

•  The Blackhawks victory rally was today. I'm not a hockey fan, but it was exciting to see the parade run past my office building and I was happy for the faithful who have been singing "Chelsea Dagger."

Yet I find myself feeling so tired, so worn out by all of it. I'm still not comfortable at work and I
worry about my financial future. Today I had to return even more paperwork to the lawyer -- a notarized affidavit that states how many "heirs" my mom left -- and it's always depressing to fill out her vital stats (died on Sept. 13, 2012 at age 77).

And you know what's awful? I was worried as I worked my way through the crowds to get to the office today and I was nervous while the Hawks rally was going on. I kept thinking of how easy it would be for someone to set off a backpack bomb, a la Boston. After 9/11, I imbued Mayor Richard M. Daley with supernatural powers to keep us safe. But Daddy's Gone and so is some of my innocence and blind faith in these things. What happened at the Boston Marathon could have happened at the rally today, or at Taste of Chicago next month, or at any Cub game.

I feel like I'm living in a cold new world and I don't like it.

My oldest friend tells me to "Let go and let God." Yeah, yeah. That's very weak tea because it feels irrelevant to my personal relationship with Christ. For while I know Jesus loves me and wants what's best for me, I also know that He has promised me eternal life, NOT a smooth ride en route. I have free will, and He expects me to do my best during the tough times.

And so I continue to muddle through. Clinging to my faith, my cats, my books and my friends. Taking naps and being nice to myself. And watching the Cubs whenever I can because I'm always happier when I have baseball.



Image courtesy of Stock Images / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

1 comment:

  1. you have had a lot going on these past couple of years, your feelings are understandable.
    at some point it will all pull back together and life will settle again. try to be kind to yourself, eat healthy, get your rest, enjoy reading, listening to good music and most of all while the weather is nice try to get out more and walk. get out with friends at least once a week.
    you can do this, you know you can.
    xoxoxoxo

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