THURSDAY THIRTEEN #198

THIRTEEN OF MY FAVORITE MARXISMS

Since Thursday is Thanksgiving, let me give thanks for film, kinescopes and videotape. Without the magic of media, I couldn't be as familiar with Groucho Marx. What a loss that would be, because everything about the man cracks me up. His silly, painted-on mustache. The stooped walk. His wonderful, goofy songs (Lydia the Tattooed Lady, Hello I Must Be Going, Hooray for Captain Spaulding). His timing and delivery. Even the names of his movie characters: Hugo Z. Hackenbush, Rufus T. Firefly, Otis B. Driftwood.

Here are 13 of his quotes. As you read these lines, imagine them spoken as only Groucho could.

1. If you want to see a comic strip, watch me take a shower.

2. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

3. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read anyway.

4. Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. And how he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

5. Don’t gulp that poison! It’s $4 a bottle!

6. Any man who can see through women is missing a lot.

7. I don’t want to belong to any club that would have someone like me as a member.

8. I have here an accident policy that will absolutely protect you no matter what happens. If you lose a leg, we'll help you look for it.

9. I intend to live forever or die trying.

10. I’ve known and respected your husband for many years – and if you’re good enough for him, you’re good enough for me!

11. Here’s to our wives and our girlfriends … May they never meet!

12. I could dance with you until the cows came home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows until you came home.

13. I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.

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 PS One of the benefits of blogging forever is that this TT is actually five years old, originally posted as my Thursday Thirteen #42 in November, 2007. But it's still funny, and I'm still grateful for Groucho.