Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The veil is lifting

The last three months have felt very unreal to me. First the ghastly heat. My best friend has been distracted and troubled by losing his job. Then my mother's illness, and finally her death. Then the morass of her finances and all that's landed on me. I've been sleepwalking through it all, trying to navigate through a fog of sadness, fear and uncertainty. Sleeping erratically, eating too much, gaining weight.

I am feeling stronger. I am more in the moment. I am more like myself. I'm no longer "getting by." I'm in my own life again.

I hear my mother in my head. I believe she is happy and whole and with God. I had been dreading her death so much that I hadn't counted on the relief I now feel, knowing that her pain is over and she truly is resting at peace. I loved my mother and the role reversal we experienced -- while very much the natural order of things -- was exhausting for me. I didn't realize it until it was over. I no longer have to worry about her.

I love her and I miss her. I will always love her and I will always miss her. But I no longer have to worry about her. She is where she belongs, with God. And I am grateful.




4 comments:

  1. God is so good to comfort you!

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  2. It's an odd but comforting feeling to come out of the fog after events like this. It's almost like you don't know what to do with yourself anymore because you got so used to worrying and grieving.

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  3. I am glad to read this post. I knew you would feel more like yourself with time. It's hard to give yourself time, though, isn't it?

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  4. I'm glad to hear you're starting to feel better.

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