I completely adore my best friend. No one who reads this humble blog with any regularity can doubt that. But there are times that I forget he is what he is -- a straight male -- and that this congenital defect causes him to be irrational at times.
For example, he is incapable of apologizing.
Last summer, when his beloved old dog died, I made a contribution in her name to the American Humane Association and asked the organization to send the acknowledgment to my friend's family. My friend never mentioned it.
So, after the charge came through on my credit card, I asked him about it. Then several weeks later I asked him again. He never responded. Now emails and texts fly back and forth between us a lot, so I suppose it's possible that those two honestly got overlooked. So I asked again. Nothing.
It's always sort of nagged at me. Now that I'm packing up the office for our big move, I found a receipt for American Humane that confirmed my memorial to his dog. So I asked again.
He simply said he didn't remember.
This really hurt my feelings. So naturally I wrote: "This hurt my feelings. First the gift I gave your family made no
impression on you whatsoever at the time and then nowhere in this stream
of emails did you bother to thank me. I know you're busy with work and dances and recitals and I'm sorry to hassle you. But
what I did was thoughtful. And if you recall, last summer I had a thing
or two on my own mind. Like doctor's appt's and the run up to my surgery,
which was a very big deal in my own life, but I managed to
try to be thoughtful about your loss. I believe I deserve better and you're nicer than this. (But I did take the tax deduction.)"
How does he respond? "I
am sorry if this hurt your feeling but I am being honest. I truly can’t
remember if we received a note. Do you want me to lie? Sometimes I feel like you just want to beat me down, I don’t get it. Sorry!"
Nice jujitsu, Bud! Only I didn't and don't accept it. I told him that if someone cared about me as much as I do him, I wouldn't feel "beaten down." And then (both because it's true and because I'm not above fighting dirty), I reminded him that I've already inquired more often about his new dog's recovery than he has about my mother.
He sarcastically responded that he's sorry he doesn't do more for me. I told him I am also sorry he doesn't do more for me. And that's where it sits.
I'm sad and angry but I'm not backing down. He's almost 46 years old. He can accept responsibility for ignoring my emails and thank me for the gift. Like I said, I deserve it.
I don't get why he feels he's being beaten down. Men. They're different creatures.
ReplyDeletei only have one word for men...they are all asses. pardon my language.
ReplyDeleteYou are right to call it to his attention. So many people go through life in this weirdly unconscious state and I don't get that at all.If he didn't remember getting something, he should have said that at the outset and not blown you off 37 times.
ReplyDeleteHell, I only know you from this blog and I know not only how thoughtful you are but how much it means to you to be acknowledged. How come he doesn't know that?
(shakes head)
Keep bringing it to his consciousness like you've been doing. It can feel kind of icky ("Hey! Notice this nice thing I did and say thanks!") but it's really about standing up for yourself and that's something you do so so so well, Gal.
BF will come around - but don't back down on standing in who you are. You DO deserve a friend who pays attention to your kindnesses.