30 Days of Honesty

Day 25 :: The reason you believe you’re still alive today

Day 26 :: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I lumped these two together because both answers point to Faith.

I am still alive today because God wants to be. As my friend John reminded me last weekend, we "tore up" and "did some damage" in quite a few Chicagoland bars and restaurants in our party days. I drank a great deal and did coke and poppers. My judgment was obviously clouded and bad things could have happened to me. John was beaten and mugged once in those days, and he's a foot taller than I am. Yet I'm here, healthy and not addicted to any of the substances I played around with.

My heart has been desperately broken on more than one occasion. There are times I have hurt so badly that I would do anything to make it stop. And yet, I have never seriously considered taking my own life. I have discussed this at length with my oldest friend, who explains her unhealthy attraction to all things related to Michael Jackson's passing because at the time of his demise, she was praying for her own death. She was having health problems, romantic problems, problems with her children, and truly believed it would get no better and death would be a relief.

As much as I hurt, and as alone as I may appear to the outside world, I know I am never truly alone because I have the Lord. He gave me this life and He will decide when it's over. And I also trust completely that tomorrow has the potential to be better than today because He gave me free will and the ability to see the bright side, the humor, and the small miracles in even the ugliest day.

One day, when I was as miserable as I felt I could be, when the entire world felt gray and rainy and deeply and profoundly wrong, I was running across the street to go to Walgreen's, and out of the blue, one of my favorite songs came on the radio and through my headphones. It made me smile for the first time in days. I will always believe that was God reminding me there is always something in life, no matter how small, to make us happy, to "get our hearts ringing in the key that our souls are singing."