Perry March: Snidley Whiplash for the New Millenium

I know I shouldn't view murder as entertainment. I do, of course. But I want you all to know I feel really bad about it. And I feel just terrible about how much of my day off I spent devouring the Perry March trial on Court TV. Shame on me.

For those of you not in the know, Janet Levine March disappeared in August 1996. She left her suburban Nashville home one night after a fight with her lawyer husband, Perry. According to ever-lovin' Perry, the fight was about all the passes he'd been making at one of his paralegals, and how he seemed headed toward a sexual harrassment suit. (Some women are soooooo humorless!) Perry says his wife, his college sweetheart, the mother of his children, left the house with a suitcase, her bike, and a small bag of pot. Perry told authorities that she left him and their two children Sam and Tzipi (yes, that's Zippy with a "t," poor kid) in the middle of the night and no one has ever seen her again.

Now, 10 years later, Perry is on trial for Janet's murder. The system demands that even Perry March get a zealous defense from a dedicated lawyer. And it's Perry's lawyer that I feel so sorry for. His client is so arrogant, so unlikeable, so obviously guilty that he makes OJ Simpson and Scott Peterson look like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

Let's see what poor lawyer man has to work with:

Perry's own father has testified against him. According to dad, father and son worked together to dispose of Janet's body. Isn't it lovely when two generations come together?

Perry has been found criminally responsible for Janet's death … twice. The first conviction was overturned on a technicality.

The letters Perry wrote his paralegal, while still living with wife Janet, are downright pornographic. Which is not to say I didn't enjoy hearing them. I just don't think they will endear Perry to a jury.

Perry has a little problem with embezzlement. He's been found guilty of stealing from his law firm.

Perry has a little problem with his inlaws. He has already been convicted of conspiring to have the Levines killed.

If an author (anyone from Judith Krantz to Stephen King) had made Perry the villain of a novel, that book would be panned as unbelievable.

I appreciate Perry so. He keeps my mind off the mess the world is in. Iraq is an expensive sinkhole that is absorbing all of our resources and keeping the government from making us safe here at home. Our ports are trecherous. Our borders are porous. Yet as a country we scoffed at Senator Kerry during the campaign when he told us that from now on, the war on terror should be an intelligence and police issue, not a military one. He was right, of course, as he was on so much in 2004. I mean, let's look at who rounded up the Londor terror suspects: the London police. We're still trying to find terrorism on the map so we can bomb it. It's sad. It makes me angry. It breaks my heart.

I tried my best, my hardest, to get Senator John Kerry elected. I raised money, I wrote letters, I worked the phones. I was never an ABB Girl (Anybody But Bush). I always emphasized Senator Kerry's biography and qualifications. It didn't work. I feel responsible. I feel hopeless. I feel like pulling the sheets up over my head and crying.

Instead I take refuge in the Perry March trial.