November Challenge

Day 5 -- Five things I want to say to an ex 

1) I often wonder how you feel about today's Tea Party Movement
2) I learned that you got a pilot's license and hope you are being careful
3) How is your son?
4) I hope you are happy
5) You were the love of my life

Trifecta

This week’s Trifextra challenge is simple, but ambiguous. Three truths and a lie. 

Three truths and a lie. I've told them all. But it's only in retrospect I know which was the lie, and that, sadly, I was deceiving myself as much as him.

I'll always love you … I'll always feel the way I do tonight … No one will ever be to me what you are … Your secrets are safe with me.


THIS JUST IN: The good people at Trifecta ranked this entry third. I'm surprised and very happy.
 

A Visit from the Dear Friend I Never Met

I dreamed last night about Elizabeth Edwards.

She is a heroine of mine. Her books touched me deeply, and I mourned her death. I selfishly miss her because I think she still had things to teach me. There was something about her unsparing candor and inherent dignity that got through to me and made me hear her. I think that's why I dreamed of her.

An ex has been on my mind after a decades-long respite. He contacted me out of the blue in 2008 and has continued to do so with regularity -- through a friend, through Facebook, through my work email (that really freaked me out). He wants to talk to me, to apologize, even visit me in person to gain my forgiveness.

I don't forgive and I don't trust him. The cruelty he was capable of (both physical and emotional) was breathtaking. The insensitivity he shows by continuing to approach me, even though I have given him no encouragement whatsoever, indicates he's still narcissistic and heedless of my feelings.

I came upon his name and photos of him this Thursday because a national newspaper did a front page human interest story about him. At first it awakened my inner cynic -- I wondered how many asses he kissed, how many he had to dazzle with his obviously still-potent superficial charm, to get that kind of exposure.

Then I kept returning to it. The same way you can't keep your tongue out of a cavity. Staring at his picture, remembering his voice.

And last night I heard from my buddy Elizabeth. We were sitting together in in her Chapel Hill home, and she was telling me to just let it go. That the past is pfft! gone. That I have to live in the here and now, and he has no place in my here and now. That I have to accept the scars -- visible and invisible -- forgive myself for falling for him, and concentrate on my own life.

How wise of her! And how resilient of me to call upon her.

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Mrs. Potter's Lullaby

1. Adam Duritz (writer and lead sing of Counting Crows) mentions previous girlfriends in songs. In Mrs. Potter's Lullaby he sings “There a little piece of Maria in every song I sing”. Is there a piece of an ex that will always be a part of you? Yes. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of him wish him well. He was (and still is, I'm sure) a very nice man.

2. Who was your very first significant friend? The one I creatively refer to as My Oldest Friend. There is photographic evidence that we met in late 1962. I remember Beatle-bonding with her in February 1964, when we were in first grade, and I plighted my troth to (not yet Sir) Paul and she to George.

3. What are four (4) things you hope to do this weekend? (1) Get to and from downtown the Loop for lunch with a coworker -- a trial run for my daily commutes when I return to work on Wednesday; (2) do some exercise of some type; (3) catch some of the NCIS marathon on USA network -- have I mentioned lately how much I love Gibbs? (4) Give extra affection to my cat, Charlotte, as I'm worried about her medical malady

4. What do you consider to be the main purpose of your blog? To create an honest snapshot of my life at this moment

5. Tell us something that you've never before written about in your blog because it's too personal. There really hasn't been anything. I'm just careful that "the names have been changed to protect the innocent." Usually me.

6. If you could choose your doctor, do you prefer someone of the same or opposite sex? Why can't I choose my own doctor?

7. If you could dream about anything tonight, what would the subject matter be? Him. But most emphatically not Bill Clinton. I had a very detailed sex dream about The Big Dog and it upset me terribly. I mean, fantasizing about a President? That's creepy. Whose next? Abe? Thomas Jefferson?

8. How do you react to practical jokes when they're played on you? My best friend used to play them on me constantly. At the time I hated it. But now that we see one another so seldom, I miss it.

9. What's on your agenda after this weekend for the upcoming week? I'm returning to work for the first time in more than a month! I expect my agenda to include apologizing for having to wear sweats and other oversized elastic-waistband pants to the office.

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Money Grabber

1. Has anyone ever intentionally ripped you off? Or perhaps unintentionally? I have had my purse stolen twice. It sucks.

2. When was the last time that you made a quip that fell completely flat and embarrassed you? In my office a couple weeks ago. I was chatting with my boss and got distracted by an email that came in. It included a photo of Jon Hamm/Don Draper looking sooo fine. One doesn't expect to see such a thing in a business email! The pun I made after that was very lame. My mind was no longer on topic.

3. When you go to sleep, does it you need to be absolutely quiet or do you need a little noise (radio, TV, music or white)? Depends. If I need to get to sleep but I'm not tired, I need the TV.

4. Do you have a memorable "ripped clothing" moment in your life? No? How about in someone else's? (Come on, you know you have something to contribute!) I loved my John Lennon Rock 'n Roll shirt. So much so that I objected when my boyfriend really wanted to pull the scoop neck way down. He thought it would be make me hot, and under other circumstances it might have. But I really loved that shirt.

5. What's changed on your blog since its inception? ...a redo? ...a change of pace? ...or is it still business as usual? The template has changed a couple times.

6. Can you remember where you were in life ten years ago? If you could travel back in time and whisper something to yourself ten years ago, what would it be? "Don't take him too seriously."

7. Okay, let's have it! What's the craziest, most impulsive thing you've ever done? A few years back, while ringing in the New Year in Key West, I hiked up my slacks and went running into the ocean at midnight. It seemed rather natural and was nice and warm and refreshing. I wonder why no one joined me ...

8. If you were having a bad day what or who would you turn to for comfort? My best friend

9. According to the song White Rabbit, "one pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small". If you were offered these pills today, which pill would you take and where would it take you? The one that makes me small. I'm big enough, thank you.

Sunday Stealing

The Heaven Eleven Meme

Cheers to all of us thieves!

1. If you could live in any other time period, which would you pick? I'd love to have come of age in the 1960s. The Kennedys, The Beatles, political idealism ... and prevalent air conditioning.

2. What is your favorite topic to write on your blog other than a meme? According to the tags, it's movies.

3. What are some traits that you admire in a lover? Generosity of spirit and a sense of fun. And good hair.

4. Could you adjust to life in another country? If I wanted to ... which I don't.

5. If you could study anything, what would it be? I'm trying to teach myself Spanish. I suck at it, but I continue anyway.

6. What is your favorite possession that cost less than $15? My Hollywood snowglobe, a gift from my best friend.

7. Which color do you wear most often? Blue

8. What has been your “theme song”, or favorite song this summer? "Amy, Amy, Amy," that wise and funny exploration of how helpless we gals are against good old-fashioned lust, by the late, great Amy Winehouse.

9. What's the most romantic thing that's ever been said to you? That when Bob Dylan wrote "Emotionally Yours," he could have been writing how my then-boyfriend felt about me. I like this version by the O'Jays better.




10. What would be your dream birthday cake? Chocolate with vanilla frosting and milk chocolate on top.

11. What is the coolest thing you’ve ever done? Kissed Bruce Springsteen.

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: I Wonder What She's Doing Tonight

1. Have you ever lost a lover and spent way too much time wondering what they were doing? Good goobies, yes! I recently found photos of my favorite ex and downloaded them to my desktop. I'm happy he's doing well professionally, hope he's happy personally, and think moving him to desktop trash would be sad.

2. What was your favorite vacation ever? A trip to LA to visit my best friend. He was on assignment with a client and I came out to keep him company. We went out on the town, talked late into the night every night, and saw my beloved future Hall of Famer Greg Maddux pitch at Dodger Stadium.

3. Do you like surprises? If yes, what kinds? Or are you one of those people who absolutely has to know what's going on before it happens? I don't really like surprises. I like to have plan.

4. Have you ever written a poem? Feel free to share one. Or even a dirty limerick is OK. I won a writing award in high school for a poem I wrote about Carly Simon. She had recently recorded a song called "Alone" that really spoke to me. The first lines of the poem were, "Sight unseen you read my soul. You know my thoughts before I think them." I don't recall any more of it, though.

Alone lyrics found at elyricsworld.com

5. Did anything interesting show up in your mail lately besides the bills? I still love reading glossy magazines, and I'm happy when my Glamour, Allure, O, People, Time, US or Newsweek shows up.

6. How many of your friendships have lasted more than ten years? Which of your current friends do you feel will still be important to you ten years from now? Family members don't count. Kathleen and Barb have been my friends for 15 years, John for 30 and my oldest friend for 45 years. I don't foresee any of them fleeing.

7. Do you own a pet? If so, do you buy them presents for holidays? Do you consider your pet(s) spoiled? If you don't own one, do you think you will one day? I have three cats. And no, we don't celebrate the holidays together. They get a lot of attention and affection each and every day. Does this make them spoiled? I consider them loved and cared for.

8. It's Friday afternoon and you're planning your weekend. What's on your agenda on a hot August night? Grocery shopping and the local library book sale. I know, I know ... you're green with jealousy, aren't you? I've had so much going on that emotionally I'm running a little low. I need serious alone time to recharge.

9. What's your worst nervous habit? I can't sit still. I jiggle and bounce and shift in my seat.

They should come labeled

According to Medichat.com, these are the symptoms of a psychopath. I don't know that it's the most reliable site out there (and I have been helpless to resist correcting some of the more egregious typos), but it has inspired me to think ... how many people are like Casey Anthony, but just haven't been provoked to overt criminality yet? I'm not kidding. My least-favorite ex has 16 of these characteristics, and after encountering him, my life has never been the same.

Since people like this initially appear so normal, even attractive, the least Mother Nature could do is give us a fighting chance by marking them somehow.

1. GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking.

2. GRANDIOSE/SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONE TO BOREDOM -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have a low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVE -- the use of deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.

6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.

7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS -- a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15. IRRESPONSIBILE -- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. REVOCATION OF CONDITIONAL RELEASE -- a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY -- a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Take Me Back

1. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back? Yes. He was my great love. Unfortunately, I doubt I was his.

2. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would you be wearing? By the time I answered the door, my robe (before noon), or jeans and a t-shirt.

3. What's your favorite shirt? My blue t-shirt that depicts 5 turtles making their way across the front.

4. Have you ever been on your school's track team? No. I won a foot race in PE class once, though.

5. Do you own a pair of Converse? No. I'm partial to Avia.

6. Where are you at right now? My sofa.

7. Do you eat raw cookie dough? I don't often come in contact with raw cookie dough.

8. Don't you hate when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? You mean like Cee Lo's "Fuck You?"

9. Do you watch the news? Constantly. I'm a news junkie.

I wasn't expecting this

When it comes to one of my old boyfriends, I have become a voyeur, a la Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window. But instead of peering at him through binoculars or a telephoto lens, I read his wife's Facebook wall.

I don't actually know her. In fact, I've never met her. The two of them met long after he and I broke up and he left town. We haven't spoken in years. Therefore I've been following their tale as though it was the continuing story of Peyton Place, thanks to the fact that I never really loved him. I was fond of him, I was enthralled by him physically, I bear him no ill will and wish him well, but because of the 12 year ago difference between us, I knew I was never going to be his "baby mama" and so could enjoy our relationship for what it was -- a sweet, sexually charged interlude.

Anyway, about 8 months ago, she started posting about how he's wasn't treating her as she felt she deserved to be treated. Yes, they have a now two-year-old boy together, and they have many shared interests, but he (1) wants no other children and (2) isn't as attentive to her feelings as she'd like. She was especially upset that he never buys her flowers on their son's birthday.

I also suspect he hasn't been faithful. Not because of anything she's written, but because I know him. The woman he was involved with back when we were sleeping together kept insisting she was ready for a wedding and babies. I think our unlikely fling was a response to the pressure he was feeling. My guess is there's probably another "stress reliever" in his life.

They are now living apart. I don't know if divorce is certain (and I don't know his side of it because he understands how to establish privacy settings on Facebook!) but she took him off her info page and is asking her friends who can help her maintain her car now. She also thanks her friends for putting up with her these past few months.

Knowing him as I do, and seeing the slice of life she shows me, is all so fascinating to me. I think that one of these days I'll take a busman's holiday and turn this post into a novel.

Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing: The "18 Questionable Questions" Meme
Cheers to all of us thieves!

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be? Betrayed me how? Cheated? Spilled my secrets? Raided my piggy bank?

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be? That this will be The Year.

3. What is the one thing most hated by you? Bullies.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars? Send my niece to school, set up a college fund for my nephew, take care of my mother, spread some of it around among local animal shelters. buy season tickets at Wrigley Field, quit my job, live in a high-rise with a great view and a doorman ... Sigh ... It's a nice daydream, isn't it?

5. Could you fall in love with your best friend? I suppose, if things were very different

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone? Loving someone

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love? I don't intend to wait for someone I really love

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do? Be sad

9. If you'd like to act (movies, stage) with someone, who would it be? Carrie Mulligan. She's very good

10. What do you expect of your loved one? Tenderness

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time? Here. But I'd like to have a new sofa by then.

12. What’s your fear? Losing my independence

13. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor? Single and rich. Because I can imagine that. I don't know what married but poor would be like.

14. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? Stumble into the shower.

15. Do you ever hold back in a relationship? I have ... Is it me, or are these questions more than a little negative regarding relationships?

16. If you fell in love with two people simultaneously, how would you pick? I'd go with whoever is behind Door #2, where Carol Merill is standing.

17. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done? Not if it leaves me vulnerable to more horror.

18. What are your three most important expectations in love? Tenderness, acceptance, and laughter.

Sunday Stealing

Sunday Stealing: The 65 Questions Meme
Cheers to all of us thieves!

1. Tell us who the last person that you took a shower with. It was a bath. His name was Scott. It was very romantic.

2. Tell us about your favorite tee-shirt. Extra points if you show a pic. (We know. What can you do with freakin' extra points?) One of my Cubs shirts, it's well-worn, well-loved, and a tribute to the most beautiful place on earth.

3. Has anyone ever hit on you even though they knew you were taken? No.

4. Do you plan what to wear the next day? Not specifically. Just general color. (Blue or black or neutral ...) So I can make sure I'll have the right bag. I don't like to change bags in the morning rush. Something always gets left behind.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Why? Frustrated. Because I think I may be growing a pimple on my chin.

6. What's the closest thing to you that's black? Simply Dusty. It's the hard-cover coffee table book that came with the 4-CD set. I love Dusty Springfield.

7. Tell me about an interesting dream you remember having. Last summer I dreamed that my bathroom was out of commission and I had to shower in a stall with a dirty slat-wood floor and worn shower curtain. According to Dream Moods, this means that at the time I had a need for "self renewal."

8. Did you or might you meet anybody new today? Not yet.

9. If you could be doing anything right now (or perhaps after you finish this ridiculous meme) what would it be? Anything? I'd like Special Agent Leroy Gibbs to apply some Honey Dust.



10. Can you think of a meme question that's never been asked? Which host from The View is the most obnoxious?

11. What comes to mind when I say China? Global economy and debt.

12. Are you overly emotional? I can be. Depends on the situation.

13. If you could listen to just one rock album (CD, vinyl or mp3) which one would you pick? The Beatles White Album.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Lick.

15. Do you like your car? I don't have a car.

16. Do you like yourself? At times.

17. Would you go out to eat with Charlie Sheen? Yes. Because at a restaurant he wouldn't be able to smoke (which he seems to do the way others breathe) and I could ask him about his teeth. Did those missing teeth rot out on their own, did he lose them in a fight or mishap, or did he have to have them all pulled out after the Savoy Truffle?

18. What was the last song that you listened to? "Come Back to Bed" by John Mayer

19. Are (or were) your parents strict? No

20. Have you ever wondered what attending a wild orgy (if only to watch or...) would be like? Yes

21. I say cottage cheese. You say: ICK!

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? Bruce Springsteen, but I've told that story here many times. So here's a new one: Tim Russert and I talked about Seymour Hersh's book, The Dark Side of Camelot, and whether something that sensational could be considered journalism. It was at a book signing, promoting Russert's own book (Meet the Press: 50 Years in the Making) and yet he was passionately discussing another book, then currently on the best seller lists. I really appreciated how seriously he took his role as moderator of Meet the Press ... and how nice he was.

23. What was the last movie that you watched at home? Mildred Pierce with Kate Winslet on HBO

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? Nope

25. What countries have you visited? Germany, France, Switzerland, Lichtenstein, Canada

26. Have you ever made a phone call while you were drunk that you've regretted? If yes, do tell. I called the man I consider the great love of my life and left a message that said, "You were the great love of my life. I thought you should know." My friend Kathleen was standing there, she talked me into it, saying anyone would like that kind of closure. I'm not so sure, and my cheeks still get hot at the memory.

27. Where were you going the last time that you were on a train? I was on one Saturday, going to and from the Loop.

28. Bacon or sausage? Bacon

29. How long have you had a cell-phone? Long enough that I'm on my fourth phone. 7 years maybe?

30. What other memes do you do regularly? Saturday 9 and Movie Monday with The Bumbles.

31. Who is the craziest meme host? Why, Bud, of course. I have to snake my way past an "objectionable content" warning just to get to him.

32. Who invented chop sticks? Someone I hate. Can't figure those fuckers out.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? Nobody. It's laundry night. Not an activity people come from miles around to observe.

34. Are you too forgiving? No.

35. When was the last time that you were in love? Please! I hope it wasn't the last time! Can't we say, "most recent" instead?

36. Tell us about your best friend. He has a great deal of personal integrity, he works very hard at being a good dad, and he can make me laugh.

37. What was the stupidest thing you learned in high school? Anything regarding Ahab and madness/obsession. Geez, I hated Moby Dick! Reading that sucker was painful and I never did finish it.

38. What was the last thing that you cried about? I don't remember.

39. What was the last question you asked? "How much do I owe you?"

40. Favorite thing to do this time of the year? Cheer for my Cubs.

41. If you had to get a (or another) tattoo, what would it be? Whatever Gibbs would like licking Honey Dust from.

42. How would your best friend describe you? He says I'm curious, enthusiastic and loyal. I also suspect he finds me difficult at times, though he is smart enough to not say this to my face.

43. Have you ever seen all three Twilight films? No, not a one.

44. Ever walked into a glass door? Once, when I was a little girl.

45. Favorite color on that person that you are attracted to? Green

46. Have you ever slapped someone? Yes

47. What hair style (for you) would you like to see return? Dorothy Hamill's. I rocked that wedge!

48. What was the last CD you bought? I don't remember. Sorry.

49. Do looks matter to you? Yes.

50. Could you ever forgive a liar? I have.

51. What's the hardest bill to pay every month? Well, I resent having to pay for electricity. It's an essential, it's no fun, and it's not like I have a lot of choice about it.

52. Do you like your life right now? Yes

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? Yes

54. Can you handle the truth? It depends on the subject

55. Do you have good vision? No

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Yes

57. How often do you talk on the phone? Daily

58. What celeb would you like to come home to? Mark Harmon, with Honey Dust
59. What are you wearing? A night shirt

60. What is your favorite wild animal? The okapi

61. Where was your facebook picture taken? It's a comic that I stole from somewhere, so I don't know

62. Can you waltz? No

63. Do you have a job? Yes

64. What was the most recent thing you stole? The hearts of my adoring public

65. Have you ever crawled through a window? No

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Sweet Soul Music

1. Do you listen to music at work, and if so, do you use a mp3 player, play it through your office computer, or do you listen to it collectively via a separate radio you keep nearby? I used to listen to CDs. Then I discovered Pandora. I'm now hooked.

2. Tell us something about people that you absolutely hate. Space hogs. Women who use the bench in front of the lockers at the health club for their water bottles, iPods, gym bags, etc., therefore making it impossible for me to sit in the same area code as my locker. GAWD! I HATE THAT!

3. What is something someone has done that you'd like the world to know about? When the rest of her family evacuated their Gettysburg home in 1863 before the famous battle started, Jennie Wade stayed behind to care for her sister who had just given birth and couldn't be moved. Jennie was baking bread for Union soldiers when a bullet* came through the window and hit her in the shoulder, making her the only civilian to die during the Battle of Gettysburg. I toured this house back when I was 7 and she was one of my early heroines.

* Or whatever they fired from guns back in those days.

4. Where is your favorite place to sit when at home? My little green Crate & Barrel sofa.

5. How did you come up with the title of your blog? It was available

6. Tell us about the one who got away. A parrothead who liked holding hands in the movies. He was his grandma's favorite and she told him all the time that he looked like Elvis (which was the highest praise from the old girl). He was very smart and could be tender and knew baseball, and I hope he's happy.

7. Have you ever had a big birthday party? No. I tend to have lots of little celebrations each year.

8. What was the biggest bash you've ever attended? A certain election night celebration in Grant Park.

9. With my kids and an always changing life, I find myself sometimes unable to focus! Do you have that problem, too? Some days. But I don't have any kids to blame it on. Guess I'll just have to admit to being a ditzy old broad.

"I'm a Katie girl, and where are our drinks?

This clip is so perfect, on so many levels, that I both love it and cannot stand it.

On La Liz and l'amour

I have recently read -- and thoroughly enjoyed -- two biographies of Elizabeth Taylor. While her story is so ridiculously garish, glamorous, and over the top that at times it feels like a juicy soap opera, there is one aspect of her life I actually do (or at least, did) relate to: the way she equated drama with passion and love.

I did that once, for a decade. My friend, John, who knew me back in those days, said he believed that my long-time lover and I "had only two speeds: fighting and fucking." I believed the more fiery our clashes, the more he loved me. The more I hurt, the more I loved him. Weren't we lucky to inspire such tempestuous feelings in one another?

As I look back on those days, I shake my head. For while our "love" was all-encompassing, it was beyond unhealthy. It was sick. I don't think his feelings about me were about love or affection or even admiration -- he needed me, and then disliked how much he depended on me, and therefore had to punish me.

Yes, he was one twisted repulsivo. But it's important for me to remember that everything he did, I allowed him to do. I'm so glad I got out and eventually moved on. Not only away from him and the abuse but from the toxic POV that equated love with drama.

And who would think that pudgy little old me would have anything in common with one of the most famous, and once among the most beautiful, women in the world?

I've become a voyeur

That's me. I've morphed into Jimmy Stewart from Rear Window. But instead of watching my neighbors through binoculars, I have been peering into the life of a former lover and his wife through Facebook.

He and I had an energetic and charged relationship about 10 years ago. There was no hope for a conventional future for us -- he's 12 years my junior and wanted eventually to settle down and have a family and that was never going to happen with me. But I was different from the girls he'd been seeing -- more independent and perhaps a bit more free-thinking. He was interested in trying his hand at theater -- both acting and set design -- as well as voice-over work, in addition to the lucrative computer animation he was good at. He was not yet 30 and had not decided what all he wanted to do. He felt he had time. The woman he was involved with, Debbie, felt 30 was a ripe old age and she was ready for a wedding and babies. I think our fling was a response to the pressure he was feeling.

We broke up the summer he turned 30 and was laid off, the two major events happening within weeks. He sublet his apartment and moved to another state, crashing briefly with his brother and sister-in-law. We exchanged letters and visited one another -- he came here and I went there exactly once. But by Halloween we were done. Without the centrifugal force of sex, there wasn't much holding us together.

I never met the girl he eventually married, but I feel I know her from her Facebook page. They have a year-old son, nicknamed Koala. They are both very active in community theater and she is popular among the company for her chicken meatballs over white rice. They ride bikes together as a family, and in a concession to motherhood she's sold her beloved scooter.

She seems really nice. But she wants another baby.

She ran into her ex-husband and in the five years they have been apart, he not only remarried and had a child but has another on the way. This makes her very blue because her ex not only never wanted children with her, but her husband (my ex) has made it clear that Koala is the only baby he wants. She's trying to change his mind, but doesn't seem to be having much success. One of her recent posts said, "Trying means more than saying you'll try. Trying means you actually have to TRY!"

She posts several times every day, so the story keeps moving at a brisk pace. That's just how it feels. And he's not my lover anymore, I see him through her eyes now, and her continuing saga holds my interest. I hope they live happily ever after.

"I loved a man, truly I did ..."

From an old Barbra Streisand song. Because in my head, I sound like Babs.

I did have a great love with a good man. He was the wrong man for me, too remote, but he was smarter than I am and well read and steady as they come and very good looking. I have many happy memories. We broke up but I have never stopped loving him. I understood his short-comings, even as I was unable to deal with them, and since he wanted a family so badly, hoped he would find a woman who could deliver all I couldn't.

Which is why, when I saw his profile on a professional networking site, I was thrilled to see that he mentioned his son. I wish I had left well enough alone.

Out of boredom and curiosity, I searched around and found the woman he married. Looked her up on Facebook. So far, so good. She's hyphenated, using both her maiden name and his surname. Pretty, but not gorgeous. Tall and but not THAT thin. Works for the local Republican Party (figures, he has quite the Libertarian streak). 43, with a 9-year-old son. That checks out. Lists herself as, "In a relationship."

Maybe she just didn't scroll down far enough for "married."

I could see from her wall that posted and conversed often with an author who writes exclusively about autism. She wrote of her 9 year old's son struggle with language, using words like "desperate," "frustrated," and "frantic." She's looking for help with how to get him to use a keyboard, and was hopeful to learn that children with a condition similar to her son's respond well to using an iPad.

I am afraid of the conclusion that I am drawing ... that the child he wanted so much is autistic, and that because of his remote nature he wasn't able to be the husband his wife needs as they dealt with their son's condition and they divorced.

I don't want that to be true.

Yet, until recently, he and this woman lived in the same town (white pages listings) and they both have one child, a son.

The girl he was with before me committed suicide. Then there was our misfire of a relationship. Now this.

I don't want him, but I do love him and I hope he's happy.

And I hope I'm wrong.

Shall I make this out to myself?

My shrink had to cancel our appointment, scheduled for last Thursday. And that's too bad, because I have been having disturbing dreams. Graphic dreams. Sexually explicit dreams. These dreams are pleasant when they're going on. It's just when I wake up that they upset me.

Because they are about him. The man with whom I had my longest relationship. The one with whom I spent several highly dysfunctional years. Because of the physical abuse that went on, thinking of him sexually is a very complicated issue for me.

We broke up so long ago. I have worked so hard to put him and all he represents behind me. So why am I thinking about him so much now? And in this way? Disturbing and confusing.

On second thought, just disturbing. I'm no longer confused because I realized why my ex is suddenly so top of mind …

The Mel Gibson tapes. When he drank, he sounded not unlike Mel (though without the heavy breathing). If we were on the phone and I could sense his mood change, I'd listen carefully for the sound of ice. For if he was switching from beer to something stronger, I knew I'd better sleep alone at my own place that night. Woe be to me if I read the signs wrong and went to his place instead.

So now that I know where the dreams are coming from, they have less power to upset me. And, perhaps, they will stop haunting me.

I'm rather proud of how I worked this through on my own. So do I cut myself a check for $75?

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Love Hurts

1. Tell us about the last time that you got hurt in the arena of love. I was seeing a younger guy who, I thought, was desperately in love with me. When our relationship inevitably ended, I missed the genuinely imaginative sex, and the feeling that I had rocked his world. That's why I was as hurt by his quick recovery -- within weeks he started dating the woman he would soon marry and have a son with -- as I was by our break up. To be honest, I missed the fantasy of seeing myself as the center of his world as much I missed him.

2. Have you ever been part of the wedding party, other than your own? Yes. I'm very familiar with bridesmaid duties.

3. Let's say you find yourself in Hell after you die. Think about everyone you've known in your life. Who would be the one person that would least likely to surprise you by being in Hell with you? I have an ex who was, without a doubt, the worst thing to ever happen to me. I'm sad to report I'm not the only woman who can make that claim about him. Plus, he believes in Hell (I don't), so he's the most likely candidate.

4. What brings you good luck? I believe my Hollywood snowglobe is good luck. Or at least it helps me send my mind to the happy place.

5. Do you have a photo blog? If so, feel free to share the link with us! Nope. Sorry, no photo blog.

6. What is your biggest source of news? (Internet? Newspaper? Television? Radio? The Daily Show? Other?) TV. If I hear about a story that interests me, I follow it online and in print.

7. What's the hottest you've ever been in your life? By "hot," do you mean like sexy? Then I'd have to say it was a New Year's Eve back in my thin days, when I was wearing a little gold tank under a tuxedo jacket. Of course, that was many years and several dress sizes ago.

8. If you had to choose a theme song for your blog, which would would you choose and why? Well, I do like to think I'm gonna make it after all.



9. Who was the last person you had an online conversation with that you've never met or talked to on your phone? The Cub fan on Twitter who agreed that Fox sportscaster Joe Buck is a waste of space.

Not what he expected

I have been carrying on a Facebook flirtation with a German national who lives England. He approached me with a message about my fondness for vodka -- I have it listed as a hobby, which amuses him.

When we first started chatting, he was all light and rather immature for the 30-something university professor he claims to be, so looked him up to see if he was for real. I found his page on the university's website and found that he is a history/political science professor.

Well! I'm not wasting this golden opportunity to find out how our country is viewed overseas, so I have been peppering him with questions. I still hear from him every evening and I'm learning a lot, but something tells me this isn't the breezy, breathless exchange he was expecting when he friended me.