THIRTEEN THINGS
YOU CAN ALMOST COUNT ON
SEEING AT
THE MOVIES
I love movies. I adore them when they’re good and still appreciate them when they’re bad. In honor of the Oscars this Sunday, I’ve put together an affectionate list of my13 favorite movie clichés.
If I wore a hat, I'd tip it to film critic Roger Ebert, who often included his favorites at the end of Ebert & Ropert At the Movies. I hope he gets well and returns to the set soon.
1. Prostitutes wear blonde dynel wigs. They are also young and beautiful, with perfect hygiene and hearts of gold.
2. When an old cop is paired with a young cop, it’s for the old timer’s last case before retirement. He’s usually the one who ends up dead.
3. In every gang of crooks, there’s always one who swears that this is his last crime, and right after this one, he’s going straight. It’s not uncommon for this guy to have a pregnant girlfriend of a wife who has convinced him to give up his evil ways. He’s usually the one who ends up dead.
4. Every town has a restaurant or pharmacy whose sign identifies it only as RESTAURANT or PHARMACY.
5. Everyone who goes grocery shopping comes home with a baguette that’s peeking out of the top the brown paper bag.
6. Workmen are forever carrying large panes of glass across crowded streets, and you can count on those panes being destroyed in a high speed chase.
7. When there’s an audition for singers or actors, the poor director must endure hours (or even days) of bad performers before being captivated by the very last one – whom he hires on the spot.
8. Every pretty popular girl has a less attractive but funnier best friend, just as every hot jock has a less athletic but funnier best friend.
9. Cats always have claws so they can land on someone’s shoulder or back and hang on.
10. Every single guy drinks beer from the bottle and every single woman eats ice cream from the carton. Usually while watching TV alone.
11. Teens left alone in the house will invariably have sex, and then hear a noise in the basement. Which they will unwisely investigate and then end up dead.
12. Retail personnel, ticket agents, maitre d’s and administrative assistants are all officious and obstructionist.
13. Flight attendants are always young and beautiful, while pilots are always handsome and distinguished.
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