Fortunately, I'm already adequate

I read this last week, but was so dazzled by the Draft/Wal-Mart scandal that I forgot I wanted to immortalize it here. I've stolen this wholesale from abcnews.com …

Lohan Turns to Al Gore for Help
Actress Seeks Out Powerful Friends in Rambling E-mail

By BUCK WOLF
Dec. 8, 2006 — - It's not only a bad spell for Lindsay Lohan, it's bad spelling.

The club-hopping 20-year-old actress said in an e-mail to friends that she is preparing to clean up her image and take on the media with the help of a friend -- former Vice President Al Gore.

"Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me," Lohan wrote in a rambling letter riddled with misspellings that she sent to friends and associates. Portions of the e-mail were published in the New York Post.

"If he [Gore] is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK."

Lohan told friends of a desire to "release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite [sic] letter to the press" and spoke of "how our society should be educated for the better of our country."

The "Freaky Friday" star said she has a lot to offer, "because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see."

And in response to rumors that she's suffered a drug overdose, Lohan said, "Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character."

Lohan's spokeswoman, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, told ABCNEWS.com that she had "no comment."

A person who works for Gore told ABCNEWS.com that he was not aware that the former vice president had met Lohan, but a Gore spokesman did confirm the encounter to TMZ.com, a celebrity Web site.

"I can confirm for you that Mr. Gore has only met Ms. Lohan once, very briefly, at the GQ Men of the Year dinner last week," the spokesman told TMZ.com. "There were hundreds of other guests."

Lohan's e-mail came just weeks after she released an odd statement in response to the death of director Robert Altman, whom she worked with in "A Prairie Home Companion."

It's "as if I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches," Lohan wrote, describing the 81-year-old director as the "closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years."

The statement concluded with, "Thank You, BE ADEQUATE, Lindsay Lohan"

__________

Now why didn't I think of this!

On Saturday night, my mother joined my kid sister's family for an evening of Christmas shopping at the mall, capped off with a birthday dinner. (Mom had a candle in her hot fudge sundae.) When they got home, the entire front yard was filled with police. Cop cars were in the driveway. One of the officers warned my family not to step in the blood.

Huh? What?

It seems that a woman had been robbed and ran to my mother's front door for help. Her assailant followed her and stabbed her, right there on my mother's front porch. Because she was wearing so many layers of heavy winter clothes, she wasn't hurt badly. Someone who witnessed the scene (we still don't know who) called the police. An ambulance took the victim away. She will recover completely. Her assailant escaped on foot.

My mother lives in a rather sleepy little burb. The police were not as compassionate nor as forthcoming with information as she would have liked. She was, understandably, frightened and upset. Andy and Barney were upset, too. Stuff like this really doesn't happen in her town.

I'm just very grateful she wasn't home when all this went down.

And I'm happy for my kid sister. She's so competitive. My mother will remember coming home from celebrating with my sister's family to find blood and police much longer than she recalls my gigantic Mrs. Field's cookie.