"... If that's what's bothering you"

Yesterday my shrink and I were discussing my recent, and increasingly more frequent, bouts of irritability. I have infinite patience with my cats. I never lose my temper with customers at the card shop. I can comfortably chat up a seatmate on public transportation. But Christine from movie group, my neighbor at the end of the hall, they exasperate me. Perhaps beyond proportion. 

I have not been having "bad days." I'm feeling well. There is nothing going on that I can attribute my snappishness to.

Christine is a kind, well-meaning woman who is trying to expand her social circle. There is no shortage of online articles that will reinforce how difficult this can be for women of our age. Yet planning and spending a movie day with her left me ill-tempered and worn out. No, I didn't say anything to her about it. I try not to be mean. But she was high-maintenance and intellectually incurious and I couldn't wait to get away from her. Even though she had a lovely time, brought me a book she found at a library sale, and followed up with texts the next day. She seemed to enjoy the same day that left me exhausted. What's wrong with me?

My neighbor at the end of the hall has disabilities. He has to wear a brace on one of his legs. He has some form of Tourette syndrome that causes him to yell loudly when he's alone. He is lonely and has trouble with boundaries. He is always asking me where I'm going, what's in that shopping bag I'm carrying, etc. I don't think he means to be creepy, but he is. Last week he banged and banged on my door, demanding I answer even though I was busy doing something more than a little private.* When I finally answered, what he wanted was not remotely urgent or even my issue. He asked what I thought we should do about the Amazon package that had been delivered here by mistake. I yelled at him, telling him I'm not on-call 24/7, not his employee. He looked as though I'd stricken him. Yes, I raised my voice and made a man with disabilities feel bad. What's wrong with me?

"There's nothing wrong with you, if that's what's bothering you." So said my shrink. OK, so let's work on what's wrong with these situations ...

Regarding Christine: Maybe I just don't vibe with her. If you can't talk politics, baseball, or pop culture, or if you don't make me laugh, we're not going to click. That's no one's fault, it's just chemistry. Also, compared with recent get togethers with friends that I have enjoyed, Christine and I were together for nine hours. That is too much for me. I'm not that social anymore and my introversive streak has gotten wider. Christine is a nice woman who is trying to make friends so I'm not going to snub her. That would be mean and I refuse to do it. But I can limit the length of time we're together when we see each other.

Regarding my neighbor: He suffers from neurodiversity. He does not respect boundaries and cannot pick up subtle cues. I wasn't being a reactive bully, I was doing what was necessary. If I hadn't yelled at him, he would continue becoming more intrusive. That is simply the way it is. His very real issues, which I see and have compassion for, do not give him the right to make me uncomfortable in my own home. 

I am an old dog but I am still learning. I guess at core, what I have been struggling with is how to live my Christian faith. I want to be a kind person. I want to treat everyone as I wish to be treated. I want to end each day knowing the way I behaved toward others that would please Him.

But sometimes I lose myself in the equation. Christ's plan for me is not that I be inherently unhappy, is it? So I will develop a relationship with Christine that works for both of us. I will be nice and gracious to my neighbor but insist he respect my privacy.

Therapy is worth the time and worth the dime.

  

*I had just applied prescription cream to a rash that I'd rather not talk about, but let's just say I wasn't dressed to welcome visitors. So I had to smear the expensive cream to get dressed to answer the door and yes, this really pissed me off.