November Challenge -- Day 18

Find the challenge here

November Challenge: A problem you have had

Control, responsibility and perspective! People in my life can hurt and confound me, and I have a hard time handling it.

I began therapy in 2019 because I needed help with Henry. His accident and the subsequent TBI caused him to say terrible things to me sometimes, and I cannot emphasize this enough -- that was NOT my darling Henry. Then it morphed into dealing with Henry's husband Reg, and why Reg was refusing to get Henry the help that was available, the help he needed. The former was actually easier to cope with than the latter. Henry did what he did because he couldn't help it. Reg, on the other hand ... My despair over Henry, the helplessness I felt about the situation, my anger at Reg were all mighty and I needed help handling them.

Now Henry is gone and most of my sessions revolve around my oldest friend. Her move to California more than a decade ago has been a disaster. She was evicted and will be homeless in two weeks. Her adult children are no help. There's been some breach with the cousin she moved out there to be near. Her health is precarious. A man she once dated -- they met through a dating service approximately two years ago, slept together exactly once, and he told her quite frankly they could be friends but nothing more -- has offered her a room in his home. Her own entrance, shared bathroom and kitchen privileges. Considering that she has three cats and her FICO score is in the toilet, I think he is a godsend. 

No, she responded angrily, he is a narcissistic, cheating bastard and she needs me to support her on this. She has shared texts she has sent him, berating him for not taking her more seriously now that he was a new girlfriend. (She will be 68 next month and he's over 70; I can't believe how Archie-and-Veronica this all sounds.) She is going to do everything she can to ruin this living arrangement before it starts on December 1. She literally has nowhere else to go!

She also wants to come "home" to Chicagoland. I texted her back that I will help her, but she can't live with me. My condo has two bedrooms and a tiny bathroom. I don't have room for her, plus we'd have five cats between us. PLUS she has no car and I don't drive. How would she get even here? I pointed out that I wasn't sure her California benefits would be easily transferable to Illinois but I would do any legwork for her, researching what I can.

I won't go into all the ways she has let me down since moved to California. But here are the high, hard ones: She was going to come in to help me recover from my surgery, but cancelled at the last minute; she's owed me money for seven years from our last trip to Las Vegas; when my dear friend John was dying last spring, all she wanted to talk about was this man she once dated and his "mistreatment" of her ... Really, the list is endless. But I try to hang on.

Because of her diagnosed bipolar condition, she is unable to be there for me. I get it. But I wrestle with how much I am expected to be there for her. How much I can be there for her. How little I get in return. I hate how angry I am at her.

Some of it is very deja Henry and Reg. So I guess this is my struggle:

Where are the boundaries? What are the limits? When does being a good friend and a good Christian slide into masochism?

 

 Photo by Andreas Rasmussen on Unsplash.