I won't always feel this way

That's what my shrink tells me. She went to doctor school and has never lied to me before, so I trust her. 

But it really doesn't help me all that much in the moment. 

Here's the thing: Everyone who doesn't have fur annoys me. Elaine is humorless. Betty is vain. Nancy is whiny. Joanna is pretentious. Considering that these are my friends, I know the problem is me and not them. I'm afraid that I'm morphing into my father, a joyless man who was angry all the time.  

No, she said. I haven't permanently soured on life. I'm just grieving. I miss John and Henry. 

But it's been a year! I got through birthdays and Christmas and New Year's without them. I don't cry in the shower anymore. I am able to remember the good times with them before the bad. Doesn't that mean I've healed?

No, she said. It means I'm healing. 

When I'm alone with my cats, I'm fine. It's when I'm around people – usually women I actually like very much – that things go south. I get grumpy and annoyed. I know my reaction is disproportionate, so I have to rein myself in. (I mean, last Monday I nearly stuck my tongue out at Betty!) Masking my feelings leaves me exhausted on top of being irritated. Makes me want to just stay home and commune with the critters.

"These women remind you that you're lonely," she said. At first I didn't get it. After all, I'm not lonely when I'm alone.

But it makes sense. I want these (comparatively) new relationships to replace the decades-long friendships I lost last year. They don't. They can't. And so I ache.

I have to maintain my commitment to socialize. Tempting as it is to stay home and cuddle the cats, it's not good for me to be alone that much. I can get too deep inside my own head and that's just not healthy. 

I didn't expect the grief to be so tenacious. I lost my mom more than a decade ago and that was shocking and painful, but the grief didn't cling to me like losing Henry and John has. 

Shouldn't I be fucking over it by now?  

There's no timeline to this, so I'm told. I have to take good care of myself, make sure I don't isolate too much. Drink water. Do my stretches. Keep my doctor's appointments. Find the joy that awaits me every day. 

And trust that I won't always feel this way.