I read the news today, oh boy ...

So Obama is gonna run. Yawn. Whatever.

I wish I was excited. I wish I was inspired. I remember how I felt at this time, four years ago, when it struck me that Senator Kerry was the right man for this country at this critical juncture.

But here are my choices as they stand today:

• Working for a candidate because he's black
• Working for a candidate because he's hot
• Working for a candidate because she's a woman and her husband asked me to

Please, Barack and John and Hill, make me fall in faith with one of you. I'll be a hard worker and a true believer. Just give me a real reason.

I'll do it during the Globes

I didn't do much of anything today. I sorted my laundry (but didn't quite get it down to the washing machines). I shaved a couple minutes off my 10,000 steps. I grocery shopped -- which today means signing for the Peapod delivery.

But tonight are the Golden Globes! I've seen many of the performances and can't wait to see many of the dresses. So perhaps I can redeem myself by going through my closet. Or maybe I'll give in to sloth and doze off on the sofa before the first Dream Girl takes the stage.

A book that helped. Really helped.

The subtitle of Elizabeth Edwards' book Saving Graces is "finding solace and strength from friends and strangers." She talks about how the kindnesses of those around her have sustained her through political losses, breast cancer and most wrenchingly, the death of her teenage son, Wade.

This book inspired me to accept help today from my oldest friend. She offered to come along to the family wake today. She knows how awful it would be for me to both support my mom and comfort my uncle while dealing with my molester. She wanted to be there for moral support. My first impulse was to be embarrassed and say, "No, that's OK."

But why? Why shouldn't I accept her offer? Why shouldn't I take "solace and strength" from someone I've known from my girlhood?

And so today she accompanied me. I hugged all who needed to be hugged, held everyone who needed to be held, and, at just past the hour mark, when my molester appeared, we slipped out the side door and now I am home.

Visitations are never fun. But this one went as well as these things can. In large part because she was with me. I am grateful to her … and to Mrs. Edwards.

One step up, two steps back

Last summer, a proposed family get together brought an ugly old incident back to light. One of my relatives -- a pillar of his church -- molested me back when I was in high school. It still gives him perverse pleasure to have gotten away with it. The last time he and I were together (at my mother's 60th birthday party) he kept standing too close to me, moving up behind me and leaning into me, whispering in my ear. He tried to talk to me about masturbation and whether or not I was willing to do what it takes to get a baby. Yes, the pig actually said those things me at a family gathering. He was almost daring me to make a scene in front of everyone.

Naturally he is invited to my aunt's wake and funeral. Naturally, pillar of the church and all, he will be treated with the utmost respect. Naturally he will say something inappropriate to me under the worst possible circumstances and completely enjoy himself.

Many members of my family know what he did to me. It isn't so much that they doubt my word, they just wish I would forget about it. I wish I could forget about it, too. Rage and revulsion can be mighty unpleasant emotions. But I can't forget it if he keeps bringing it up. And whenever I'm in a room with him, he tries to do just that.

HE is the one at fault, not me. But I am the inconvenient one.

Last summer I thought I got through to my mother about how I felt. I am not asking my family to shun him (though, frankly, that would be nice). I am just asking them to consider me when putting together family gatherings. Don't put me in a position where I'm completely vulnerable and unable to stand up for myself (if I make a scene I'll just ruin everyone else's afternoon of denial). She said she finally understood. All these decades later, she finally understood. It was such a joyous relief!

But then, over the holidays, I noticed a framed photo of the old bastard (a portrait taken by his church, naturally) in her dining room. And I found out yesterday he will be attending the wake and funeral. My mom was dismissive about it. She wants me there to support her and comfort my uncle. I'm tough. What's a few hours with him, really, anyway?

Just like taking a little paper punch to my soul. That's all.

My mother is so upset by the recent death in the family that her needs superceed mine. And I know she's doing the best she can.

But that doesn't make it any more comfortable to have a little hole punched in my soul.

Life moves on inexorably … right on to death

I was having a good day yesterday. Work was productive and not ugly. I bought a sweater at lunchtime (Jones New York, 30% off). Worked out before meeting a friend at the theater (Doubt is excellent). Dinner and drinks afterward (I had a martini). Got home about 11:00 to a couple of voicemails.

My uncle's wife died last evening.

Life rolls on. Until it stops. That's how it goes for everyone, isn't it?

She had been very ill for months. Cancer, pneumonia, blood clots. She was not going to get better, so I suppose this is the happiest ending her story could have: One last Christmas, one last visit from her children.

The wake and funeral are going to be hard on my uncle. He has a debilitating disease, Parkinson's. He is uncomfortable in public because of his symptoms. (I'm sure Rush Limbaugh agrees he should be, too.) Now he will have to mourn in public. Their marriage wasn't that great even when they each had their health, so there is something insincere and barbaric about putting him through all this.

But I will attend this circus because he is my uncle and, in his way, he has always been good to me. I will suck it up and stop being selfish and show my respect and gratitude by showing up.

Today sucks.

Something I found while lurking

It's Delurking Week! This is when we are all supposed to speak up and admit to blogsters that we are reading their posts and hoping to slip away anonymously. Naturally you are invited to make yourself known by leaving a comment, but I'm afraid I cannot insist. After all, I think you know how I found out about Delurking Week. I can't very well ask you to do as I say, not as I do.

One of my favorite blogs to lurk at (toward? upon?) is that of an old boyfriend's wife. Before they moved away, we all still traveled in the same crowd and she was insanely jealous of me. And when I say "insanely," I know from whence I speak. She is younger, prettier, thinner and has better skin. I cannot for the life of me understand why she even thought of me as competition.

Anyway, I am tempted to take this delurking opportunity to say "hi." But she's strung as tight as piano wire, and I'm afraid she might retaliate with a restraining order.

Today I will. Really.

I missed my 11:30 race over to the health club because my boss was in my doorway, bonding with me. It seemed like a better use of my time. He's a nice, entertaining guy and I can be a handful. It's nice to strengthen our interpersonal so that when I get on his last nerve, he can remember that he likes me … at least sometimes.

But at 12:30 there should be another open window -- meaning I may just be able to get a locker and the use of a treadmill. Which is good I actually miss my workouts. I want to feel my heartrate go up. I want my leg muscles to feel fatigued. I want to read the December issue of O and see all the ways I could already be living my best life if only I'd picked up the magazine in a more timely fashion.

Lazy, lazy, lazy

Yes, that's me! I had an uneventful weekend, and yet the floor of my den is still covered with books and luggage. (At least the door is closed, so I can't see it.) My birthday and Christmas gifts are still in boxes and tucked between my TV and the chair. I had such ambitious plans for this weekend, and I got so little done.

Dyed my hair, grocery shopped, repaired the hem of a jacket, returned a pair of Cars pj's to Kohl's (my mom and I both bought them for my nephew for Christmas) … that's it. None of my other chores got done.

We have a long weekend ahead of us. I'm going to try to tack an extra day onto it. Maybe with Monday and Tuesday to myself, I can get off my ass and get something done!

Two for One

Today's Tribune included a column by an irascible Royko wannabe who asks what Hillary should "do" about Bill. The writer feels that the junior Senator from New York would have a better chance at the Presidency if she could keep her husband out of sight until November 2008.

I have heard this sort of thing before and it confuses me. For the only reason Hillary's candidacy excites me is that it will get Bill back on centerstage. To quote the current tagline of his Presidential Library, "I miss Bill." He made my friends and I feel as though we have a place at the table. He understood our interests and considered them. Even though we weren't/aren't rich white men, we were included. We never felt that way about Presidents Reagan, Bush or Bush.

Hillary is a bright woman. A talented politician. But I do not feel that she loves public service the way her husband does. I sense that she approaches it out of a sense of duty. She wants to do as much as she can, and the top office is where you can get the most done. I sense that Bill Clinton loves it. All of it. From the handshaking to the policy minutiae. Where she seems about power, he seems about passion.

Unfortunately he was, ultimately, more about passion and promise than performance. I was disappointed in many things about the Clinton Presidency. Some of them broke my heart.

But if, come November 2008, I vote for Hillary, it will be for the BOGO.

That's Jen's photo, not mine

I Am Jennifer Aniston

I'm the girl next door with a free spirit. I'm low key and naturally sexy. Sweet and approachable, people are attracted to my upbeat attitude. And even when life doesn't go my way, I always eventually turn things around.

Are You More Like Jennifer or Angelina?

In praise of ... well ... ME

I'm still pudgy and have yet to step foot on a treadmill this year. I emptied my shelves back on December 14, with every intention of restoring order to my personal library, but the books are still all over the floor. I returned home on New Year's Day but have yet to put my luggage away.

I am lazy. I am sloppy. I lack self discipline.

But damn, I'm good at this job. We presented to the client yesterday, and while I was speaking, I felt it: "I own this room." I was just authoritative enough to maintain their respect, just self-deprecating enough to win them over emotionally. Of course it didn't hurt that the work I presented was solid. I wish my art director/partner was here today so he could share in the afterglow.

Oh, those chubby cheeks!

Too many Christmas cookies. All the margaritas I consumed while on vacation didn't help. I hate sounding this typical, but my goodness these work slacks feel tight today!

And precisely because I hate being this typical, I'm not going to join the masses who resolved to start working out today. The gym will be too crowded and besides, I have a lot of post-holiday/post-vacation crap to do this week … like laundry, bill paying, and then there's this pesky old job. (Presentation on Thursday. That's day after tomorrow. Yikes!)

But something must be done here. There's more than a little self-loathing going on here. This is within my control, after all. Perhaps it's time the treadmill move from the corner next to the dresser and land in front of the TV.

Some of my best friends are gay

An amazing phenomenon takes place whenever I visit Key West. I find myself in the minority. My friends down here, all lovely and generous people, are gay and their friends tend (overwhelmingly) to be homosexual as well. So, as a straight woman, I'm the one who is different. I'm the one with the lifestyle that's out of sync, that they just "don't get."

This little trip through the looking glass is very good for me. I aim to be as nice and open welcoming when I meet people whose lifestyles are different from my own. I'm sure I don't hit the target as often as I would like to, but it's important to try. And this annual trek to the southernmost spot in the contiguous United States is a good reminder.

Spa. Ah!

My friends down here in the Keys gave me my belated birthday present today: a massage at a local spa. It was an hour of pure bliss! (Of course, now I'm back on the computer, tightening up those shoulder muscles she worked so hard on.)

Then we had margaritas. After exhaustive research, I am pleased to report that, unlike hard lemonade and sunshine, margaritas and sunshine do not cause migraines. Perhaps tomorrow my research project should expand to samgria. I love science.

Greetings from Atlanta!

Of course, I intended to go to Key West. But let's not dwell on the negative. Instead, let's view this as an adventure!

My flight from O'Hare was two hours late because there was something wrong with the plane and they needed to replace a part. I don't fly well at all, so that was not the news I was hoping to hear. Still, I would prefer to be stuck on the ground than in the air on a plane that's not safe.

We arrived at Hartsfield with about 15 minutes before my connecting flight to Key West left. However, I was back in Row 36, so by the time I actually got off the plane, that flight was gone. (Presumably with my luggage.)

I waited around for a spot on another Key West flight, but alas, there were no seats for a lonely little standby like me. So the good people at Delta gave me a hotel voucher and here I am. They also gave me a free nightshirt, toothbrush and paste, and a razor. All this and heaven, too!

Wish I had a river I could skate away on ... Or at least a snow globe to gaze upon. It's not that I'm lonely, per se. I just miss him.

You can't carry on a snow globe

I heard that on the news the other morning. Apparently O'Hare security believes that a snow globe can be converted into a weapon or used in bomb making. So that means that when I pack tonight, my new snow globe stays behind on my coffee table.

Too bad. I'll miss it.

A gift from best friend, the snow globe depicts Hollywood Blvd., where I stayed when I visited him last September. I miss him so. I haven't heard from him in more than a week. Since I'm going away to spend New Year's with friends, I don't know when we'll be in touch again.

It would help if I could bring the snow globe …

Christmas miracles

Last night was our big family celebration, so as of today, all the major Christmas folderol is behind me and I'm left with quiet time. I've used this quiet time to appreciate what's important …

Friends. I've celebrated over the past two weeks with six different friends. And they are very different, but they are all very dear. There are cards on the next to my phone from others, making me promise that we'll get together in the new year. I am fortunate to be surrounded by a diverse group of people, each who sees something of value in me. I know I can be difficult -- by turns prickly and independent and demanding. Yet I have so many people I can call upon if the chips are down, or if I have joys I want to share. That's miracle #1.

Family. Last night, as I was leaving, my mother hugged me so tight. After the health scares she's had this year, I am grateful to still have her to hug on Christmas Eve. My nephew was so thrilled with his gifts that he practically howled each time he opened one. My niece and nephew were both just as pleased that the gifts they chose and purchased and wrapped themselves were hits, as well. They are miracles, and I am fortunate to be able to watch them grow up.

My critters. Reynaldo (the world's worst cat) has actually slept quietly at the foot of my bed, two nights in a row! Charlotte is chatty and lively and happy. And Joey, my good old boy, is as sweet-natured and kind a soul as God has ever put here. They bring nature into my home, and their unconditional love is a miracle.

My faith. To borrow from "Silent Night," Christ the Savior is born. That was the first miracle. His Resurrection is the ultimate miracle. That is what this day is about, and it's important to remember to be grateful

YUM!

Last night we had dinner at the Park Grill in Millennium Park. It was beautiful. Not only the holiday decorations, but our waiter, too. Think tall, dark and handsome. Think the yard boy in Desperate Housewives. Think the green side of 30, tops.

He was flirting with me a bit, God bless him. I suspect this is because he wanted a big tip. And he got one. After all, in addition to bringing us three courses and two rounds of drinks, he brought me great joy, just allowing me to look at him.

The tables were very close together to accommodate the extra shoppers and skaters who came in to dine. So when our waiter was taking the order of those seated next to us, his ass was quite literally even with my eyes. Ah …

I suppose he's young enough to be my son. This illustrates the problem I confront. Where does healthy (and ultimately chaste) enjoyment of the opposite sex end and Mrs. Robinson/Mary Kay Letourneau lechery begin?

"I wish I had a river I could skate away on"

Love this song. Love James Taylor's performance. Maybe because I'm lonely without my best friend this holiday season, but this is my current favorite Christmas song. (Maybe it's these lyrics, "I'm so hard to handle/I'm selfish and I'm sad …" I'm quite sure my best friend would agree with that!)

I also really like this version of "Baby, It's Cold Outside," a duet with Natalie Cole. If you have a few extra bucks, and feel it's time you bought yourself a Christmas giftie, I recommend James Taylor at Christmas.

Now I know my color

Dark Purple

To others, I seem a bit dark, mysterious, and moody. In truth, I am just a very unique person who doesn't care what others think. And I really enjoy my offbeat interests and friends. I've decided that life is about living for myself - simple as that.

What Color Purple Are You?

There's still time

Please consider doing something special this holiday season. Go to toysfortots2006.com and click on "sponsor a toy." You can make a donation via credit card and the organization will use the money to purchase appropriate gifts. It seems not many toys are dropped off for kids between the ages of 8 and 14, and they deserve a Merry Christmas, too.

This sad fact came home to me yesterday. There's a grocery store in my neighborhood that puts little construction paper hearts on their tree. Each ornament represents a kid from Hephzibah Home.* Hephzibah offers child welfare services, foster care, daycare, and other important programs. The ornaments give the kid's first name, age, favorite color, clothes sizes, and a special Christmas wish. Shoppers are encouraged to grab an ornament and anonymously play Santa.

This year, instead of picking an ornament off the tree, I brought a box of toys over to Hephzibah. I included Legos and Bratz and Barbie and Pirates of the Caribbean, etc. I felt quite pleased with myself. Then I saw whose ornaments were left on the tree …

Older kids. Like Vanesssa. Age 12. Who wants a CD boombox. And let's face it, a set of Disney Princess books is more fun to pick up than a CD boombox.

But imagine what it must be like for a kid like Vanessa, who must live right here in town, to see that her ornament is one of the few that hasn't been taken. So I took it. The boombox was only $20, and it's worth $20 to me to not conjure up Vanessa's sad, disappointed face.

An easier way around this problem is to go to toysfortots2006.org and click on "sponsor a toy." Please consider it.


*www.hephzibahhome.org

In praise of Leo

I saw Blood Diamond over the weekend and found it to be a challenging (albeit very, very violent) movie and a daring choice for a Christmas release. It stars Leonardo DiCaprio, who is (along with Johnny Depp) the most reliable and charismatic actor on the screen today.

As Danny Archer, Leo is an updated Rick Blaine, plying his trade in Africa instead of Casablanca. Savvy, streetwise, cynical but still basically decent. This is yet another movie where Leo held my interest and earned my admiration.

Loved him in:

• The Departed, where he was way less verbal yet still able to convey that he was also way more tortured.

• The Aviator, where he went from damaged boy to looney man while retaining our sympathy every step of the way.

• Catch Me if You Can, where he made larceny seem like such good, clean boyish fun that we dreaded his painfully inevitable capture.

• Marvin's Room, one of my all-time favorite movies, where he made the pain of trying to find your way almost palpable.

• What's Eating Gilbert Grape, where he was so good I didn't realize he wasn't a special kid until I saw him at the Oscars.

Oh, and then there's little movie about the boat. What was that again?

I know he's made movies I didn't list above. That isn't because I didn't love him in them. It's only because I haven't seen them yet.

I know he is considered a sex symbol. I know women who find him very attractive. I'm not one of those women, though. He's simply too damn young. Lusting after him would make me feel like Mary Kay LeTourneau.

But I look forward to his every movie, and he hasn't disappointed me yet.

"Bears Holding Tank"

From the Chicago Sun-Times, that's today's best headline.

I'm not a Bears fan. My obsession for the Cubs is so consuming there really is no room in my heart for any other team. But I appreciate how exciting this season is for Bear fans and I know how frustrating it is to see one of anchors of their famous defense, Tank Johnson, out of uniform when he is strong and able to play.

HOWEVER …

His behavior is absolutely ridiculous. On Thursday of last week, Johnson's home was raided and he was charged with six misdemeanor counts of illegal possession of weapons. Then, a mere 12 hours later, he was in a nightclub with his "best friend and bodyguard," who was shot and killed.

I believe this is what they call "a bad day."

The Bears must do something. Super Bowl run or no, you can't let a guy like this suit up. The team is talking to the league about their options are.

When I was a kid, Joe Willie Namath was run out of football (briefly) for owning a bar. Now the NFL has Rae Carruthers, OJ Simpson and Tank. How far we've come, and what a sad journey it's been.

Schmaltz or tradition? I don't really care.

At Christmastime, I simply must listen to Andy Williams. 50 weeks of the year I give the old boy no thought whatsoever. But come mid-December, I need my dose of the blue-eyed sweater man with the smooth (OK, some might say "bland") delivery.

His voice means Christmas to me. It's because of those holiday specials he had each year with his family. When I was growing up, I thought it would be terrific to spend Christmas with the Williams'. They all seemed to happy and normal. No hostility. No tension. No posturing among the uncles and in-laws for alpha dog status, as defined by golf clubs or make of car or the size of the Christmas bonus. None of the aunts or in-laws were overly stressed out or martyr-ish about how hard they worked on the meal or the cookies or the pies. In short, the Williams clan was NOTHING like mine.

Since we're talking 1960s variety specials, each year they were set not on a stage but in the Williams "home." And when the doorbell rang, guess what! It was the Osmond Brothers and little Marie, bringing over a bundt cake and ready to sing "White Christmas" as if they were a barbershop quartet.

Of course as an adult, I realize it was all way more illusion than reality. Andy and Claudine divorced and she was convicted in the shooting death of her skier/lover. Donny Osmond has discussed the stage fright and panic attacks he carried into adulthood as a result of a childhood spent performing and trying to please a perfectionist father.

Yet none of that stops me from wanting Andy this time of year. Corny? You bet. But once wreaths start appearing on front doors and cards in my mailbox, I need to hear him sing "Sleigh Ride" almost as much as I need egg nog.

Maybe you had to be there

My best friend's oldest daughter is in (I believe) 4th grade and has just discovered the Beatles. I find this thrilling because she did it all on her own. The Beatles aren't staples in her household the way I have made sure they are in my family. (My niece learned the words to "Eight Days a Week" at about the same time she learned "Itsy Bitsy Spider.")

The music speaks for itself. No explanation necessary. But how do you put the Lads in context? How do you explain Beatlemania?

I ordered her a copy of A Hard Day's Night. So much of the plot revolves around fleeing screaming teenage girls. I hope she isn't so distracted by the clothes and the bouffant hairstyles and the fact that the movie is in black and white that she misses how well defined each Lad's personality is and how pervasive and phenomenal Beatlemania was.

If those messages are overwhelmed, there's always the concert footage that closes the film. I can't imagine anyone not enjoying seeing the Beatles performing live.

Oh, yum!

Word is John Edwards is going to announce his candidacy in New Orleans before Christmas. The rumor mill may be abuzz, but this old heart of mine is atwitter.

I know, I know … looking pretty damn sweet is not a prerequisite for the Presidency. And I don't even think it should be. This is very serious business. I mean, there's something kinda sick and wrong about getting wet while watching Meet the Press. Plus I'm from the Chicagoland area, which means I should be riding the Obama bandwagon. But since I don't like Barack's ears and know he's a smoker, he simply doesn't move the meter on my heart throbometer.

I also like John Edwards' basic message of populism. There ARE two Americas, there IS an inexcusable level of poverty in this country, and Katrina IS as powerful an example of mismanagement and misplaced values as the Iraq war. John Edwards is very forceful and very eloquent about this, and I'm thrilled he's thinking of illustrating this by announcing in New Orleans. I have heard Obama talk about unity and hope, which are wonderful and affirming and I applaud it, but he doesn't sound like he's ready to face these problems head on. John Edwards is willing to name them, he acknowledges where we are today without belaboring how we got there, and he seems focused on moving us forward. He reminds me of Bobby Kennedy as eulogized by his brother, "a good and decent man, who saw wrong and tried to right it, saw suffering and tried to heal it, saw war and tried to stop it."

And, of course, that always moves the needle.

It's Saturday night and … yawn …

All I want to do is slide down into the tub, soak for a while, and then go to bed. I sure know how to have fun, don't I?

But in my own defense: in the last four days I've gone out three times. That translates into a lot of Christmas cheer, but not a lot of sleep.

I've also taken my home apart, moving everything to make things easier for the workmen who installed my new windows. Why is it that putting everything back together is harder than taking it apart?

But it's the snow globe that gets to me

So much happened these last few days that I scarcely know where to start recounting. Let's start with the good. I received my birthday present/Christmas gifts from my best friend Wednesday night. He was most excited about the nailcare kit he got me. The centerpiece is a buffer, which he found fascinating. I'm glad that he noticed that (1) I care about my pedicure and (2) my nails are unpolished so he feels the buffer will come in especially handy. And he got me a pair of brown Crocs, in the new Mary Jane style.

But my favorite item was the smallest. A snow globe depicting Hollywood Blvd., right where I stayed when I went to visit him. It's what I will look at when I want to send my mind to The Happy Place.

Hi. I'm an idiot.

I have been monitoring the drip, drip, drip in my kitchen cabinet and have been perplexed by how thick and sticky the "water" I collected was. I was also obsessed with finding where the leak was coming from. The top of the cabinet was dry. The back of the cabinet -- the part that touches the walls and pipes -- was dry.

WHAT WAS GOING ON?

Two cans of creme soda, smack dab in the middle of the cabinet and completely out of my view, had sprung slow leaks for some reason. Good Lord it made a mess in there! Scrubbing everything down was not fun. (Although my cat Reynaldo seemed to find the whole thing quite thrilling as he climbed in and out of the sudsy cabinet.)

And it was very embarrassing to call the condo management co. and confess that the water leak I feared was really just a couple cans of pop. (Cheap store brand pop, at that!) So no inspection is necessary.

But while I may be an idiot, I'm a happy idiot. As unpleasant as this morning was, it's far less complicated than a leaky pipe would have been.

"I put on tangerine lip gloss and answered the door"

I simply love the Geico/Peter Graves commercial. I love Caitlin, the real person whose husband totalled the SUV on her birthday. Her face is so open and free from guile. And I adore Peter Graves. Especially when he says, "I was one lucky woman." I laugh at this spot every damn time it comes on.

The Little Richard/Thanksgiving version is great, too. ("Mashed potatoes and gravy! WOOO!") But it's not shown anywhere near as often. The other Geico celebrity spots simply don't tickle me as much, but so what?

Kudos to The Martin Agency, who created these ads. I googled "Geico Graves" and here are the credits I got: creative director Steve Bassett, art director Adam Stockton, copywriter Bob Meagher, agency producer Holly Flaisher and assistant producer Valerie Battenfeld.

No good ever comes of this

I should have known better. I am the least domestic woman on the planet, and every move I make in that direction ends up being ill fated.

You know that plate in the microwave? The one that spins your Lean Cuisine around as you nuke it? Well mine was slowly becoming encrusted with light brown … stuff. Upon closer inspection, so was the oven itself. So yesterday morning, in a surge of enthusiasm that is so unlike me, I scrubbed both the oven and the plate clean. Feeling accomplished and virtuous, I went on to feed the cats.

I noticed that the bag of catfood, kept in a lower cabinet that is near (but not directly under) the sink, was damp. I figured my hands were still wet from all the sudsy scrubbing. Then, as I returned the bag, I felt an undeniable mist. It was drizzling in my kitchen cabinet.

It seems that my pipes are leaking. Something I never would have noticed if I hadn't tried to channel my inner Martha Stewart yesterday.

My building is nearly 50 years old. These things happen. By why NOW? As the holidays approach, as I'm preparing to have all my windows replaced, as I'm getting ready to go on vacation. I really, most emphatically, do not need this now!

Where's the common ground?

According to the popular saying, what unites us is greater than what separates us. I'd like to believe that. But I saw something on the el this morning that makes me wonder …

A very loud – but not unhappy – unkempt man wearing layers of mismatched clothes got on. He stood in the middle of the aisle and carried on an animated conversation with no one in particular. He wasn't preaching the gospel or asking for money. He wasn't angry or hostile. He didn't seem to care that we had all averted our eyes and were ignoring him. He just enjoyed delivering his monologue about nothing in particular to no one specific.

A few stops down the line a thirtysomething woman got on our car. She was wearing a beautiful red coat, carrying a matching red umbrella, and speaking just as animatedly as he was, but to someone. On her slim cellphone. She had one of those gamine haircuts – think Demi Moore in Ghost – that require regular, careful upkeep if you want to maintain the shape. (Trust me on this; I tried it and my hair grows too fast and is simply too unruly.)

So what do these two have in common? She was taking the el to a specific destination; I believe he was getting in from the rain. She was talking to someone about holiday plans; he was talking to no one about nothing. She exercised care in selecting her wardrobe; I wager he was wearing everything he owned. The only thing I could see that they shared was that they were the two liveliest, most awake people on our train during our morning commute.

Fortunately, I'm already adequate

I read this last week, but was so dazzled by the Draft/Wal-Mart scandal that I forgot I wanted to immortalize it here. I've stolen this wholesale from abcnews.com …

Lohan Turns to Al Gore for Help
Actress Seeks Out Powerful Friends in Rambling E-mail

By BUCK WOLF
Dec. 8, 2006 — - It's not only a bad spell for Lindsay Lohan, it's bad spelling.

The club-hopping 20-year-old actress said in an e-mail to friends that she is preparing to clean up her image and take on the media with the help of a friend -- former Vice President Al Gore.

"Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me," Lohan wrote in a rambling letter riddled with misspellings that she sent to friends and associates. Portions of the e-mail were published in the New York Post.

"If he [Gore] is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK."

Lohan told friends of a desire to "release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite [sic] letter to the press" and spoke of "how our society should be educated for the better of our country."

The "Freaky Friday" star said she has a lot to offer, "because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see."

And in response to rumors that she's suffered a drug overdose, Lohan said, "Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character."

Lohan's spokeswoman, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, told ABCNEWS.com that she had "no comment."

A person who works for Gore told ABCNEWS.com that he was not aware that the former vice president had met Lohan, but a Gore spokesman did confirm the encounter to TMZ.com, a celebrity Web site.

"I can confirm for you that Mr. Gore has only met Ms. Lohan once, very briefly, at the GQ Men of the Year dinner last week," the spokesman told TMZ.com. "There were hundreds of other guests."

Lohan's e-mail came just weeks after she released an odd statement in response to the death of director Robert Altman, whom she worked with in "A Prairie Home Companion."

It's "as if I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches," Lohan wrote, describing the 81-year-old director as the "closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years."

The statement concluded with, "Thank You, BE ADEQUATE, Lindsay Lohan"

__________

Now why didn't I think of this!

On Saturday night, my mother joined my kid sister's family for an evening of Christmas shopping at the mall, capped off with a birthday dinner. (Mom had a candle in her hot fudge sundae.) When they got home, the entire front yard was filled with police. Cop cars were in the driveway. One of the officers warned my family not to step in the blood.

Huh? What?

It seems that a woman had been robbed and ran to my mother's front door for help. Her assailant followed her and stabbed her, right there on my mother's front porch. Because she was wearing so many layers of heavy winter clothes, she wasn't hurt badly. Someone who witnessed the scene (we still don't know who) called the police. An ambulance took the victim away. She will recover completely. Her assailant escaped on foot.

My mother lives in a rather sleepy little burb. The police were not as compassionate nor as forthcoming with information as she would have liked. She was, understandably, frightened and upset. Andy and Barney were upset, too. Stuff like this really doesn't happen in her town.

I'm just very grateful she wasn't home when all this went down.

And I'm happy for my kid sister. She's so competitive. My mother will remember coming home from celebrating with my sister's family to find blood and police much longer than she recalls my gigantic Mrs. Field's cookie.

Choo-choo! Here comes the karma train!

In the early 1990s, I worked for a direct response agency called Draft. Named for and run by Howard Draft. One of the most arrogant, one of the sleaziest men I've ever met in an industry known for being … um … "ethically challenged."

Once I realized what I had gotten into, I got out as soon as I could. It took years of "Silkwood showers" to wash away the Draft stench.

Through the ensuing decade, Howard Draft enjoyed success after success. Got richer and richer. His formula seemed to be concentrating on new business and winning awards for new clients to create industry buzz while ignoring old clients. Yet he never gave the old clients a "we no longer care about you" discount, even though they no longer received the level of service they signed up for.

I have neither the time nor the stomach to discuss the sexual/romantic encounters Howard Draft was rumored to conduct in the workplace.

This all disturbed me mightily because I believe in The Golden Rule.

This past week Howard received his comeuppance, and in a big way. Two months ago, Draft was awarded an account worth nearly $600 million from Wal-mart. It was a huge win.

Last week, it was taken away. Julie Roehm, the Wal-mart exec in charge of the agency review process, was unceremoniously canned amid lots and lots and LOTS of rumors. And then on Thursday, Wal-Mart fired Draft (now DraftFCB) and said it would hold a new agency review because of "new information we have obtained over the past few weeks." Wal-Mart did not expand on the nature of the information. Draft is most emphatically NOT invited to participate.

This NEVER happens. A company the size of Wal-Mart does not award $580 million in business to an agency, give interviews and release statements talking about how brilliant and innovative their choice of agency was, and then, before a single ad has been created, can that agency. This is big. This is juicy. This is huge … and should be humiliating for all concerned. (That is, if Howard is capable to being humiliated anymore.)

Julie Roehm loves fast cars and famously took a test drive in Howard's Aston-Martin while the review was still going on. The little spin was covered by local papers, as well as Ad Age. There was a dinner at the oh-so exclusive Nobu in New York and a command performance by the Eagles. It was an appalling display of consumption that had nothing to do with marketing, strategy or creative product. And all this went on while Wal-Mart employees make minimum wage and have shitty healthcare benefits.

Welcome to the real world, Howie.

Over the weekend a Draft spokesperson said the agency wasn't worried about this harming their reputation. Of course not. It just reinforces the reputation Howard Draft has worked hard to earn throughout his career.