Monday will be my last workday of 2025. I have very mixed feelings about this.
Months ago, I put in for vacation from 12/22 to 12/29 because I didn't know a) what day Elaine would want to go to The Music Box Theater to see It's A Wonderful Life, which has become an important holiday tradition for us and b) when I would be traveling to Michigan to celebrate Baby Violet's first Christmas.
Around Thanksgiving, I heard that two very lovely young women – Dierdre and Madeline – were coming home from college to work Christmas break. I told our store manager, Helena, that I was OK with her giving some of my hours to the girls. I emphasized that it wasn't that I don't care about the job, it's that I understood how much Diedre and Madeline needed cash. After all, they are making their eating money for the last semester, whereas I'm really working for the state tax deduction. She said she understood.
So I guess it stands to reason that I'm not working. Didn't I engineer that way?
Yet when I looked at the schedule through January 2 and didn't see my name, I got worried. Is this because I complained to Helena about Caroline? Or simply because I asked for the time off and said I was okay with fewer hours?
Probably the latter. But the fact that the former even occurred to me is an indicator of how unsettled I've become at this job. I hate that I'm thinking about the card shop when I'm not there, and not in a good way. The workplace vibe is different since the cast of characters changed a bit last autumn. I'm not happy there. I like the physical structure – it's a quaint shop. We sell pretty, fragrant things. Our customers are, by and large, happy and friendly. It's us I don't care for anymore. I don't like the team. It's not a comfortable fit anymore.
I don't want to work there as it is. I want to work there as it was.
Looking back on my working career, I have found myself here before. I believe in the work but not my coworkers. I always stuck it out before because I felt I had a responsibility to my client and, oh yeah, I was highly paid. I feel no such obligation at the card shop and while I like the money, I don't need the money. When my financial advisor ran the numbers and laid out my retirement, he didn't even take my current salary into account.
I find myself fantasizing about quitting, about using that time to volunteer on upcoming political campaigns and the food pantry. Maybe after two years it's time to retire again and let a new chapter of my life begin.
But maybe I'm in a mood. I don't want to walk away from something I have enjoyed – something that has enriched my life by teaching me new things – on a whim. On the other hand, I don't want to stay too long at the fair.
Here we are at Christmas. Rumor has it corporate may be making changes to our little shop before summertime. Maybe the decision will be made for me.
I'm going to monitor my mood. I'm going to discuss it with my shrink. I'm going to pray on it. I don't want to pull the trigger too soon and regret quitting. On the other hand, I don't want to waste my life dreading a job that really – in the scheme of things – is not worth the agita.
Photo by Siora on Unsplash
Don't stay where you're not happy. Then again, there might be another job, kind of like the one you have, but somewhere else, that's in need of you.
ReplyDeleteTalking it over with your shrink will be helpful. If you're like me, because I live alone I live in my head and sometimes need to talk things out loud to make decisions.
ReplyDeleteIt's always possible another change in personnel would make it a better atmosphere, but I agree with Liz. Don't stay where you're not happy. I worked at a law office in the late 1980s and came home and cried every night. A bad workplace can really do a number on you. Take care and I am sure you will make the best decision for you. And if you want to work, I'm sure you'll find something else.
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