Unsettled

I am now officially on vacation. I have been looking forward to this trip for months. These past few days at work have been productive. I have stayed within my self-imposed limits -- with both money and calories. I have even finally gotten closure on the issue with the IRS and learned they will be sending me a check! So why am I feeling so ... vulnerable? Why have I suddenly been having macabre fantasies centering around my own violent demise? Yes, my thoughts have been running to all the horrible things that could happen to me in Colonial Williamsburg.

Fortunately I had a good therapy session last night. And, while I'm still burdened by the diffidence, at least I know the cause, and that helps. A lot.

So many people around me are in pain, both physical and emotional. My oldest friend and her turbulent children ... my friends John, Kathleen and Ed ... even my shrink herself. I have been wondering why I have been spared ... and worried that my luck will soon run out.

I get angry at myself for being too judgmental about those I love and fear I'll be punished for it. I get frustrated and furious with situations I can't fix. I'm terrified of air travel. These are familiar topics for her and me: my need to control and "fix things," my reluctance to simply accept myself and others the way we are, and that sadness is the downside of caring so deeply for others.

So now I know. And now I can chill out and wait for it to past. And know that come tomorrow, or maybe Sunday, I'll be in fine form to leave for my vacation on Monday morning.