Battling the holiday blues. I bet it happens to everyone -- we imbue the holiday season with so many high expectations that it's impossible to maintain that cheery, joyful high every day from Thanksgiving through New Year's Day. I've got the holiday blues today. A vague sense of dissatisfaction with the world -- free floating, non-specific, but undeniably there, nevertheless.Some of it is financial. My niece, a very good kid, probably won't be able to get into the school of her dreams because my sister and brother-in-law won't/can't cosign for a federal loan. With the economy here in Illinois so bad, it's likely she won't get any other funds beyond the $9000 the college granted her. Nothing would make me happier than to say I'd cosign for a Sallie Mae loan except ... well, I can't and shouldn't. I haven't had a raise in years and my finances aren't as solid as they might be. Plus my mother seems to need my support more and more. And while part of me thinks my sister expects me to foot the bill for her daughter's college, the other part of me thinks she'd resent the living shit out of it. Knowing my kid sister, perhaps both are true. So I'm staying out of it. But it still leaves me sad. And I'm so sick of worrying about money!
Some of it is mourning. I still miss my uncle, and insist on remembering him as he was -- neither as wonderful and blameless as my mom needs him to be, nor as shitty as other members of the family insist he was. He was a complicated man and I loved him. This will be my first Christmas without presenting him with a special gift, and I feel a loss.
Some of it is hopelessness. I've donated my toys for tots and my canned goods for the food drives, but still, it seems there's so much want and need in this city. I wonder if my meager efforts matter at all.
Oh, and I got an embarrassing red stain on the front of my cream colored sweater.
Gee, I'm a veritable laugh riot today, aren't I?
Hope about you? Do you ever battle the holiday blues?
Oh yeah. I actually do pretty okay right up until the 24th, but given the whole situation (dead dad, crazy mom, relatives don't like us, crazy mom feels superneedy and cry-y right now), the 24th and on is just a giant soul suck period.
ReplyDeleteDear Gal,
ReplyDeleteYou do good. You are loving, supportive, caring. You do so much, and you want to do more.
I can't ease any of your burdens, but I can tell you that, whatever you gave to the food bank and Toys for Tots, it does make a difference. A big one.
It means the difference between a child waking up on Christmas morning with nothing, possibly hurt and disillusioned, or finding that magic toy under the tree that lets them believe just a little longer.
It means Christmas dinner, with good, nourishing food shared by a family or eaten by someone who, while alone, isn't hungry and alone.
You do good.
I am so there with you on the holiday blues. Blues in general, I think. I could sit here on my couch and cry. In fact, I have been. Just because.
ReplyDeleteI second what boliyou said and nth it to the biggest degree possible. You do make a difference. I know it seems small but, like she says, it's not small to the child who has a gift when they wouldn't have otherwise.
Much love to you.