Before today, I hadn't been to church in ages. This morning, I felt the need to worship in a more structured setting. I haven't been feeling very energetic about or involved in the holidays and I thought that perhaps I needed to reacquaint myself with the more spiritual side of the season.I'm worried about my job. I'm worried about my brother-in-law's job, and what happens to my sister's family and my mom if I'm not financially able to help. I don't do a lot -- school supplies and savings bonds for my niece and nephew, medicare supplemental insurance and snow removal for my mom -- but I don't know where they would turn for these things without me.
I'm also worried about that I may be missing the moment by fixating on a lay-off which might not happen. I'm prepared, or as prepared as I believe I can be, with my mortgage paid 6 months in advance and 7-8 months of expenses tucked away. I wish I could relax and be more present to enjoy and help my friends this holiday season.
My former boss is a 50+ cancer survivor who is suddenly out of work, after having possibly the worst year anyone could have. We're trying to get together for drinks tomorrow and I want to be upbeat for him. My oldest friend is having huge issues with her kids. My friend Mindy is working very hard to wear her happy face, even though her sister is very, very ill. My friend John has not only had his share of health problems, he's also suffering a righteous case of survivor guilt for being one of those not laid off during his agency's blood bath last week. (Merry Christmas!) I care about them all and want to be helpful and aware and positive for them through the holidays. So I wanted to reconnect with Christ, to joy and hope, to the idea that faith strengthens us and can carry us through.
The one friend who hasn't been on my radar is Kathy. And wouldn't you know, she was sitting three pews ahead of me. I went out of my way to slip out early so she wouldn't see me and I wouldn't have to speak to her. Perhaps I should have -- OK, I KNOW I should have -- but I just couldn't.
You see, even though Kathy has had more than her share of financial and career issues lately, she can be awfully ... difficult. One of the long-time issues we have had is this very church. When I began attending services back in the early 1990s, she actually teased me about it. It's so provincial, so into a conventional interpretation of God, and she needs more. Kathy maintains she is a more flexible, more creative soul than I. My response has always been that my relationship with the Lord is a personal thing, and I wasn't interested in what she thought about it. That didn't stop her from bringing the subject up again, and again, and again …
Imagine my surprise, and discomfort, when I saw in our church bulletin that she had completed the religious training program and joined my congregation. I had no comment on it, but she called me and gave an embarrassed laugh, saying that changing her mind about my church is just one of her "Kathy things." I usually attend the early service, she the 11:00 AM service, so our paths seldom crossed.
When she lost her apartment and had to move in with her kids, several towns west of here, I thought I wouldn't see her again at either service. Surprise! She was there today.
I love her and honor all the decades of our friendship. I am not minimizing her suffering. She must be very frightened with the prospect of homelessness literally before her. So I am not begrudging her spiritual sustenance. I know she is a complicated woman, and that usually is one of the things I like and even admire about her. But I couldn't deal with her today. Not in that setting. I couldn't risk any encounter we had today breaking bad. Not this close to Christmas.
Sorry, but I just couldn't.
I'm a mess, aren't I?
Now why wouldn't you be a mess given what you are worrying about. However, at first I thought it ironic that you would go to church and then avoid acknowledging a friend there, but then I though, you are only protecting yourself. Don't second guess yourself, you do what you need to do, for you and your family. I think you know that already and don't worry about avoiding your friend, you don't need that baggage right now.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sucky time for layoffs, it's happening around here also. I am just glad that my husband changed his job last year and that people still need to eat food that comes out of the cartons that his company makes. Keep the spirit! Sending you some warm Christmas cheer.
Thank you, Jenny. I'm not proud of my behavior (I mean, ducking a friend in church?), but I know me well enough to guess that it might not have gone well. And like you said, I don't need that baggage right now. Thanks for understanding, and sending me the Christmas cheer.
ReplyDeleteYou must always listen to that inner prodding and sometimes that means taking care of what YOU need in any given situation. You did that. You weren't rude to anyone so quit worrying about it.
ReplyDelete(I am thinking we might be soul sisters. Often my feelings about things echo yours.)
Peace :)
You're not a mess, hun; in fact, *you* sound like you're pretty squared away, except for the excessive worry! You're certainly right about one thing - you are as prepared as you can be for a financial difficulty, so there really IS no sense in worrying over something that may or may not come to pass...When my great-grandma used to stay up at nights worrying and fretting about bills and such, she would be sooo mad at my grand-dad because he'd sleep sound thru the nite! His response?; -"well, Mary, did staying up fretting about it fix the problem?"....
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) to you my friend, at this holiday season.
After reading how you put others first, strive to help the best way you can, "worry" that your loss of employment might affect others before even yourself .....all I can say is - you're a good person, Gal.
ReplyDeleteI'm proud to know you (sort of).
These are tough times. You never know what someone else is going through. I hope the people in your life know how blessed they are to have you in their corner.
And hey, I need to darken the doors of the church this Christmas season. Thanks for the gentle prodding.
Oh, Ladies, thank you so much! I had decided that ducking a friend in church was a new low for me, and hear I got articulate and sincere support! I'm genuinely grateful.
ReplyDelete