I must be a savage

Do you know who these two guys are? The one in color is Ingmar Berman. The other is Michelangelo Antonioni. They both died recently. I'm told they are genius innovators who revolutionized cinema.

Yawn.

I HATED Wild Strawberries. I'd rather watch Natalie Wood in Gypsy. Hell, I'd rather have dental work than sit through that again. I didn't understand Zabriske Point. At least when I watch Elvis Presley in Change of Habit, I know what's going on.

I don't know what it says about me, but the oeuvre of Ed Wood brought me more pleasure than the work of either of these guys.

May they rest in peace.

Hi! I'm ovulating!

This means that I want:
• Fritos corn chips (the Originals, none of that barbecue shit for this Gal).
• A drip that keeps sugary, caffeine-laden Coca-Cola (Coke Classic, nothing else will do for this Gal) coursing through my veins 24/7.
• Everyone to leave me alone; except for attractive men, who I would desperately like to do me -- and then immediately go away.
• To know why everyone is leaving me alone. Can't they see I'm suffering here?

A rough calculation reveals that, over my lifetime, I have endured more than six months of PMS. There's no real end in sight, either. It's simply unfair! (Although with time, it's gotten a little better. I no longer get angry red zits you could sell ad space on, and cramps are only a once-in-a-while occurrence.)

All of this explains why right now, of all human beings who have ever walked the earth (and that includes Hitler, Yoko Ono and Steve Bartman), the one I hate the most is Oscar Hammerstein II. I swear, if he hadn't died in 1960, I would track him down and slap him for writing:

When I have a brand new hairdo
With my eyelashes all in curl,
I float as the clouds on air do,
I enjoy being a girl!

When men say I'm cute and funny
And my teeth aren't teeth, but pearl,
I just lap it up like honey
I enjoy being a girl!

When men say I'm sweet as candy
As around in a dance we whirl,
It goes to my head like brandy,
I enjoy being a girl!

Tuesday Twosome #1

Perfect for today's shitty (oops, I mean "hot") weather:

1. Two refreshing drinks: Coke and ice water
   
2. Two places that are always cool (home, mall, work, etc.): Movies and my office
   
3. Two ways you keep cool: AC and cold showers
   
4. Two items of clothing/shoes that are a must (tank tops, shorts, etc.): sandals and shorts
   
5. Two places you’d go on vacation to to get away from the heat: Chateau Elan and The Arlington; they're both spas in the hot south, but since they are designed to cater to and pamper poor souls like me, I know they'll be comfortable all year around.
   

For more information, or to play yourself, visit Tuesday Twosome

Tina's Tuesdays #2

Topic: Music for the Soul

1. Who is your all-time favorite artist? Paul McCartney. Sir Paul. The Cute One.
2. What is your all-time favorite song? It changes. Right now: "I Will" by the Beatles
3. Who have you seen in concert or have met personally? Bruce Springsteen. Met him after a concert during The River tour. He was nice, smart and sooo hot.
   

For more information, or to play yourself, visit Tina's Tuesday.

Now this is too much!

There's a coworker who makes frequent appearances in this blog because she's such a cryer. I have never met ANYONE this comfortable spontaneously bursting into tears in public. First it was because either her husband was cheating, or he wasn't. (Which is true of all spouses, now, isn't it?) Then she cried when she found out it was true, he was cheating. Then she cried when she decided to separate … and divorce … and find a new apartment … and move into that apartment … I think you get the idea.

I know I sound like a hideous bitch, but this is an office, after all, and a little decorum would be nice. Also, all these tears get in the way of her productivity, which makes me more than a wee bit crazy at at times.

Didn't today just beat all, though! This afternoon she sat in my office and cried for the better part of an hour because on Saturday ...

She had the most terrific sex of her life with
a 25-year-old actor
who is young enough to be her son.

So we cry over ecstasy and rapture, do we? Dear God, we cry over EVERYTHING!

I know that under the circumstances, it's not likely that they will get married and live happily ever. And that's too bad. Because I think we all know what she's going to do when they break up.

STOCK TIP: Buy, buy, buy Kleenex!

A Delicate Beauty

Natalie Wood. Isn't she lovely? When I was a little girl, she was a BIG movie star. Maybe not Julia Roberts huge, but certainly Sandra Bullock big. From 1947, when she was a child actress, through 1966, she worked almost continually. She had three Oscar nominations before she was 30. She took off for a while to have babies and be the wife of TV star Robert Wagner. She was attempting to jumpstart her career again when she died mysteriously in a boating accident in 1981. She was only 43.

I'm sorry that she really doesn't have icon status. You don't see her in poster shops or on handbags, a la Audrey Hepburn or Marilyn. Yet Natalie Wood accomplished so much -- successfully moving from child star (Miracle on 34th Street) to teen attraction (Rebel without a Cause) to romantic love interest (Love with the Proper Stranger) to big-budget musical star (Gypsy, West Side Story).

When I was a kid, she was GLAMOUR: a back-combed, bejeweled Hollywood glamour that was more elegant than Mama Michelle Phillips but nowhere near as campy as Liz Taylor. As I watch her films now, I see something else about her, beyond the movie-star aura:

Real woman fragility.

There was a tremulous quality to her. Even when she was playing a 50s sexpot or a 60s Cosmo Girl, you knew that she wasn't as tough as she seemed, that the bravado compensated for some terrible hurt or disappointment she'd endured. Her sensitivity and longing never seemed too far away from the surface. There was also something tightly-wound about her, something unpredictable that made her a little dangerous. She could snap at any time (and she did, most spectacularly, in Splendor in the Grass). Her emotionalism and vulnerability pulls you in.

Had she lived, she would be in her late 60s now. I don't doubt that, if she wished to, she would still be working. It would have been interesting to see how she evolved into a middle aged and older woman on screen.

"Bill! I love you so! I always will."

So sing the party faithful. We love Bill Clinton. Those who support Obama, Edwards, Biden, Richardson, Dodd … we might not be in Hillary's camp, but we still have a soft spot in our hearts for Bill. We like that he's treated like a rock star when he travels abroad. He makes us feel like winners again. We fondly remember world peace and a bitchin' NASDAQ.

It occurred to me this morning that Bill is why Hillary's nomination is inevitable. The political pundits were talking about the early primaries. After Iowa, New Hampshire, and Nevada, lower tier candidates will begin dropping out because their donations will dry up. That's when it hit me: because of Bill, because of their sentimental attachment to the Clinton Administration, it will be easier for paid campaign workers, volunteers and contributors to switch their allegiance to Hillary.

I worked very hard for Senator Kerry in 2004 and was there as first Dean and then the Clark and Edwards supporters were folded into our campaign. The Deanie Babies had a hard time because ideologically and emotionally, they didn't cotton to Senator Kerry. They weren't working for John Kerry, they were simply working to defeat George W. Bush.

I predict there will be no lack of enthusiasm when loyal, involved Democrats hop on board the Clinton Bandwagon because it is, indeed, the Clinton Bandwagon. "Two for one" again, just like in 1992. So unless there's a seismic shift in voter mood between now and the Nevada caucus, Hillary will be our nominee.

Just a half game out

After a long road trip, we are still the second place Chicago Cubs, just a half game out of first. How cool is that? We're so close to first I can almost taste it. (First place tastes like Ghiradelli semi-sweet chocolate.) Whoever thought, with the horrible April we had, that we'd be this close to glory in August?

Personal to Lou and Carlos and D. Lee and Alfonso and Aramis: Thanks for the exciting afternoon, gentlemen.

Fours -- Me been meme'd

Thanks to Kwizgiver for the tag.

Four jobs I have had or currently have in my life:
1. Babysitter (high school)
2. Executive secretary (that's how long ago it was -- no one was an admin)
3. Copywriter
4. Associate Creative Director

Four countries I have been to:
1. France
2. Germany
3. Switzerland
4. Lichtenstein (It does so count!)

Four places I’d rather be right now:
1. Cincinnati for this afternoon's Cub game
2. Chateau Elan spa and vineyard in Atlanta (spa AND vineyard -- no further explanation required)
3. The Ouachita Mountain of Hot Springs National Park (so beautiful)
4. Boston Common (shown)

Four foods I like to eat:
1. Pizza
2. Burgers
3. Turkey
4. Chocolate chip cookies

Unconscious Mutterings #4

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Traditional : Old fashioned
2. Popeye : the Sailor Man
3. Gin : Fizz
4. Harsh : Rough
5. Topless : Dancer
6. The thing : of it is
7. Defiant : Tough
8. Huge : Ginormous
9. Food : Dinner
10. Lenny : Bruce

For more information, or to play yourself, visit Unconscious Mutterings

Forget your troubles! C'mon, get happy!

I am trying to stay upbeat and positive. It's hard, because just about everyone around me seems to be in trouble. The niece I love more than my next breath has medical problems that must be taken seriously, but my brother-in-law just lost his job and possibly his medical insurance (COBRA is so expensive). Her mother, my kid sister, has been diagnosed with kidney stones and calcification on her ovaries. My older sister is in looooove again, which means her teenage children are a hassle to her again. This all weighs heavily on my mother, who is in her 70s and has her own medical problems. I have friends with medical problems, family problems, financial problems, relationship problems.

I care about these people. I want to help. But there's a limit to what I can do. I can give advice, when asked for. Money, when I can afford it. A sympathetic ear. Prayers.

But I can't help anyone with anything if I allow myself to be depleted. So I've washed the "stuff" that seems to be coating my life and clouding my outlook and realize right now, I -- me, the Gal Herself -- have only one real problem:

I miss my best friend.

Yes, he has problems at home, but I don't know what those are and I am powerless to solve them. I do know I hurt without him, I feel vulnerable, I'm easily distracted. But this will end. He does check in with me during every work day (sometimes with just a sentence, but the emails are there) and he assures me that when the crunch at work and the problems at home lessen, he will be back and we will be us again.

Beyond that, things aren't so bad …

• The Cubs are only 1.5 games out
• While I don't love my job, I do have terrific benefits and a lot of vacation time ahead of me
• I'm pretty healthy, all things considered
• I like my new/old haircolor
• I am hopeful that my political party can make a difference in the world
• I have enough money to take over back-to-school supplies for my favorite (and local) niece and nephew, as well as helping with clothes for him and a new haircut for her (important for her first-ever day of high school)
• I share my home with three of the most charming felines EVER (and don't they know it)
• My life is filled with people I could call if I need company

So I'm trying to make life imitate art. In the immortal words of Garland in Summer Stock:
"The sun is shining, c'mon get happy. Better chase all your cares away …"

I still have really good legs, so while I can't sing, I think I may just be able to pull this off. Now where did I leave that fedora?

Saturday Special #4

~Questions, Silly Questions~

1. Who is the last person you talked to?
My neighbor held the elevator for me and I said "thank you."

2. What is your weather like right now?
Cloudy and humid.

3. Where will you be this weekend?
Here and there, out and about. Tons and tons of errands. Today includes the bank, a haircut and a trip to the vet for a bag of kibble.

4. What's for dinner?
I haven't had pizza in ages. I think that should change tonight.
Pizza and beer and the Cubs/Reds game.

For more information, or to hop on board yourself, visit The Saturday Special.

Career meme

I do love me memes! Thanks to Kwizgiver for tagging me.

Here is how to play:
If you had the opportunity to do a 1-year internship in a company or field completely unrelated to your current career or specialty, what would be your top 5 choices?

1) Pet sitter: I'd love to be the one to coax the cat out from under the bed when you're on vacation, or walk your dog when you're working late.

2) Lawyer: I've watched so many episodes of Law & Order that I believe that, with only a 1-year internship, I could pass the bar. Thinking of bars leads me to ...

3) Bartender: But only in a nice, high-end bar. I'd love to check out the clothes, see who is with who, and be paid to stay on top of all the cool new drinks.

4) Bookstore/cardshop: I think this would be neat because aren't people generally happy when they're in bookstores and/or cardshops? Except for the big Mother's Day rush, or the Harry Potter launch, there probably aren't too many real crunch times, especially in an independent store.

5) Mail carrier. At first it seems like a weird choice, but I've given this some thought. You'd get exercise every day. You'd know what magazines your neighbors are reading. You can tell where their friends went on vacation by reading their postcards.

So now here's the moment you have been waiting for … I'm tagging:

Book Mama
Sparky Duck
Malcolm
Mo
Alison

Let me know if you respond ...

Friday's Feast #8

Appetizer
Describe a toy you remember from your childhood.
My plush Lassie dog. Her body was red, her tail was white, and her snout was plastic. With time her neck got all floppy. My mom repaired her by doing a little surgery and adding a pair of nylons to Lassie's stuffing. I love Lassie and have never been able to part with her. Right now she's in the closet, on a shelf, beside my Christmas decorations.

Soup
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being highest) how observant are you?
Five. This is not really one of my strengths.

Salad
Where would you rather be at this very moment?
From where I sit, I can see the snowglobe given to me by my best friend. It depicts the area of Hollywood where I stayed when I was visiting him last September. I wish we were together back in LA, having fun.

Main Course
When was the last time you learned something new?
Yesterday I learned something new about Gilligan's Island: the Professor's full name was Roy Hinckley, and Lovey was Eunice Wentworth Howell.* (Hey! Knowledge is knowledge!)

Dessert
Fill in the blank: I have ____________ but I haven’t ____________.
I have the desire to sing, but I haven't got a nice voice.

For more information, or to participate yourself, visit www.fridaysfeast.com.

*Thanks to Malcolm's TT

It helps that he's hot

I almost always have the same Peapod delivery guy. He's very good looking in a young (young) Pacino/Andy Garcia kinda way. Which, let's face it, is a very good way to be good looking. He usually makes small talk about my cat Reynaldo (who wriggles like a worm to get out of my arms and climb onto the dolly he uses to bring the groceries), or the Cubs. One night he was able identify that I was watching The Godfather II based solely on a racy bit of dialog. ("That thing can't be real." "Sure it is. That's why they call him Superman.")

Tonight he was very nearly late with my groceries. He was supposed to be here between 8:00 and 10:00 and he literally got here at 9:58. When he apologized for being late, I pointed out that he really wasn't late, and besides, said I, "someone's gotta be last."

"No," said Hunka Hunka, "you're not last. There's one more. She never tips, so I made her last."

Am I offended by his crass reference to the $2 I dependably hand him? Or am I charmed by his audacity? (That's his audacity, not his dreamy big brown eyes and long, shiny hair.)

What if this year I'm right?

There are things we Cub fans always say …

April and May: "It's still early. Things are always rocky at the start of a long season."
On May 30, we were in third place. 22 W/29 L. .431.

June: "We're starting to gel, learning to play together as a team."
On June 30, we were in second place. 39 W/40 L. .494.

July: "We're ready to take off. You just watch!"
As of today (before the final game of the Cardinal series), so far over .500 (.535) we could get altitude sickness. Even better, we're just 1.5 game behind Milwaukee! We won 7 of our last 10, while the Brewers have lost 6.

I've been following the same script my every season for my entire damn life. But what if "next year" is this year? The Red Sox reversed their curse, could it be our turn?

Thursday Thirteen #26 -- 13 Great Old Movies




THIRTEEN MOVIES
THAT HAVE AN ENDURING PLACE
IN THE HEART OF THE GAL HERSELF


I love old movies. Part of it is the romance and the clothes of Hollywood in days gone by. Part is that I just love the art form of film and it’s fun to see how where we were has influenced where we are today.

Here are some truly terrific old (for the sake of this list, "old" means pre-1960) movies you may wish to check out if you happen to find yourself with a free rainy afternoon. There are some you may be familiar with, others you may not. But all give you a warm and lovely passage to another place and time.

This list is, of course, nowhere near complete. If this meme was called the Thursday 30, I could have filled it easily. But here are the first 13 as they occurred to me …


1. My Man Godfrey. (1936) Carole Lombard is the most beautiful funny girl in Hollywood history. She’s charming, gorgeous, amazingly verbal and physical … a force of nature. William Powell is her elegant butler/protégé. And there’s a message about how we treat our fellow man that’s relevant and important today, too.

2. A Star Is Born. (1954) It’s a big, glossy showbiz musical, but the songs never overpower the story. Our lovers meet when she’s on the way up and he’s on the way down, so they never had a chance. Judy Garland is so vulnerable and sincere as she fights for her man (James Mason) that you may wish to have a Kleenex nearby. ("Hi, everybody. This is Mrs. Norman Maine.")

3. Destry Rides Again. (1939) I really don’t like Westerns, nor Marlene Dietrich. But this movie is a revelation to me because … um … damn but Jimmy Stewart was sexy! Really, in the movie he has his truly hot moments. I also wonder how much of Tom Destry went into the character development of Sheriff Taylor of Mayberry. Which leads me to …

4. A Face in the Crowd. (1957) Starring an evil Andy Griffith. Crass, ruthless, ambitious, and terrifyingly charismatic once the microphone is turned on. Kind of a Rush Limbaugh for the McCarthy era. Andy is so good in this movie that you barely notice Walter Matthau, Lee Remick and other dramatic actors who complete the cast.

5. Horse Feathers. (1932) “Why Mrs. Bailey! I knew and respected your late husband for years! And if you were good enough for him, you’re good enough for me.” Oh, there’s a plot. But mostly it’s Groucho cracking wise, talking to the camera and being Groucho. And that’s good enough for me.

6. Young at Heart. (1954) The love of a good woman (Doris Day) saves a cynical rogue (Frank Sinatra). She’s so pretty. He’s so poignant and he loves her so. She has an Aunt Jesse, a widowed father and a dog. He sings “Someone to Watch Over Me” to break your heart. Sigh …

7. Suddenly, Last Summer. (1959) The cast is first rate: Katharine Hepburn, Montgomery Clift, and Elizabeth Taylor. But the plot is about as sick as it gets: prostitution, homosexuality, cannibalism, lobotomies, and just a soupcon of incest. But it’s Tennessee Williams, so even as this twisted Southern family does one another very, very wrong, they do it while spouting the cleverest, most divine dialog.

8. Casablanca. (1942) Love. Integrity. Patriotism. Doing the right thing for God and country has never been sexier. I believe I can recite this one. “The Germans wore gray, you wore blue.” “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, and she walks into mine.” “Play it, Sam. Play ‘As Time Goes By.’” “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” “Round up the usual suspects.” “The problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.” (True story: a guy actually used the line, “We’ll always have Paris” to get me into bed. It completely worked.)

9. Guys and Dolls. (1955) Have you ever seen a 30-something Marlon Brando in a well-tailored suit? A portrait in graceful masculinity. His duet with Missionary Sister Sarah Brown, “I’ll Know,” breaks my heart every time. Everyone knows they are in love, destined for one another … everyone, that is, except them.

10. Rope. (1948) Alfred Hitchcock’s take on Leopold & Loeb. It’s known for a bit of cinematic gimmickry – the entire movie, all 80 minutes – is done in one shot. But that’s not what makes it fascinating on repeated viewings. It’s about schadenfreude, how we enjoy being scared in theory but not in reality, about the equality and decency of all human beings.

11. Some Like It Hot. (1959) I think of this as Marilyn’s movie. She’s soooo funny in this. “Diamonds! Must be worth their weight in gold!” “Story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.” Not that funny on paper, but her line readings are charming. Jack Lemmon is incredibly funny and so likable, too.

12. Holiday. (1938) My favorite Hepburn movie – and that’s going some. Linda (Kate) is thrilled to meet her beloved sister’s beau, and then proceeds to fall in love with him. (Of course she does! He’s Cary Grant.) She won’t do anything about it, of course. She’s Kate, after all. But the look of elation on her face when Sis admits she's dumping her fiancé over filthy lucre … Sigh. Also has a timeless message about the real value of wealth, and how the richest of us follow our hearts.

13. Mister Roberts. (1955) It’s about heroism. Big, wartime heroism, and small, every day heroism. And has there ever been a more completely American movie hero than Henry Fonda? It has its funny moments, especially courtesy of Jack Lemmon, but it’s Fonda’s poignancy and courage that stays with me. “Goodnight, Mr. Roberts.”



Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. Special K Tony shares Bill Cosby quotes

2. Tinkerbell lets us know where she's been since her last TT

3. Puss Reboots has a visual TT

4. Dewey charms us with Bookish LOL Cats

5. Milan - zzz has a breaktaking photographic TT

6. Nicole Austin's TT is a clear-eyed view of summertime

7. Crimson Wife's TT is about her summer reading (and it makes me embarrassed that I'm reading yet another bio of Princess Di)

8. Nicholas shares his cynical but very witty take on things we hear every day, but shouldn't believe

9. Crux & Damozel have a bi-partisan TT that should be required reading

10. Thommalyn conjures up 13 ghosts

11. Lori's TT is brought to you by the Letter T

12. Comedy + gives us 13 snappy one-liners

13. Janet is onto the Letter U

14. JennyMcB takes us along on vacation

15. Mamalee launches some dangerous workkplace fantasies with her TT

16. Even the most dedicated TV trivia addict will learn something at Malcolm's

17. Denise has a TT about movies, too.

18. Garthtrekker shares 13 cool, cool, good deeds

19. Sue's TT is the dumbest things celebs have ever said

20. Mo notices and shares the clever names of local businesses

21. Impworks shares what he's watching/reading/listening to

22. l^2 imparts the wisdom of her dogs (and they are wise indeed)

23. Nicole's TT is devoted to everyone's favorite wizard (you know who)

24. David's TT is random but highly quotable (for example, Dr. Seuss gave us the word "nerd")

25. Gabriella shares 13 dreamy ways to spend 3 hours

26. Bookmama tells us 13 things that are great about being mother to BB and LS


Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants



Pounding the Pavement

Much of why I'm blue is that when surrounded by people who are sad, or distant, or resigned, it's hard to stay upbeat. Since I care about these friends and relatives and am helpless to help them, it's hard not be to become sad myself.

So while I continue to follow John Lennon's advice and have hopped off the merry-go-round, I did instead force myself onto the treadmill.

I hadn't been looking forward to it. I've been eating salads, doing my cardio, even adding a new machine to my regimen, and I HAVE NOT LOST A POUND!!! I'm one of those people who would like immediate gratification if it didn't take so long, so I found myself quite disheartened by my most recent trips to Bally's.

Then it washed over me: I cannot control the world. I cannot make those close to me listen to me. I cannot provide adequate comfort for those whose problems are beyond my expertise.

I can, however, control ME. I can add extra time to the treadmill and have a McDonald's yogurt parfait instead of a Three Musketeers bar for dessert. This won't put me in competition with Jennifer Love Hewitt and her Hanes commercials, but it's good for my heart and it's good for bones and it will give me that all important sense of control over my environment.

So I did. And now I have (a renewed sense of control.)

And because when things start feeling better, they tend to start getting better, I got a (nearly, almost, bordering on) happy email from my best friend today, reassuring that no matter problems he's having, they have nothing to do with us. If his issues have nothing to do with me, I can't resolve them, can I? As the sign on my bulletin board says, "I Will Not Obsess. I Will Not Obsess. I Will Not Obsess."

Gee, ya think?

You Are 56% Control Freak

Generally, you are in control but not a control freak. You life is usually in order. However, sometimes you get too obsessed with making everything in your life picture perfect.

Are You A Control Freak?

What's the zip code for The Stoney End?

I fear that's where I'm headed -- The Stoney End. As a physical location, it doesn't exist. As an emotional destination, it couldn't be more real. In the early 1970s Laura Nyro wrote and recorded "Stoney End" about a place you somehow find yourself, a place you never wanted to go. Streisand covered it when I was too young to understand it.

Well, I understand it now. And now that I'm a resident of The Stoney End, I realize she has given us the definitive version of our national anthem:

"Never mind the forecast cause the sky has lost control,
cause the fury and broken thunder's come to match my raging soul,
now I don't believe I want to see the morning.
Going down the Stoney End, I never wanted to go down the Stoney End.
Mama, let me start all over. Cradle me, mama, cradle me."

Babs does my screaming for me. You should hear what she does with the lyric about her/my/our "raging soul."

I will get through this. I always do. I'm really a very strong woman and I have a lot of friends. I still have my mother and I still have my faith.

But I can't pretend I'm not hurting. I can't pretend I'm not overwhelmed. It's perfectly natural to be feel sad when crappy things happen to and around me. I simply have to work through this in order to get past it. Since I am completely and utterly tone deaf, I have to let Babs put voice to my pain. I shall let her. My iPod is right here.

I do wonder, though, if it wouldn't be easier on my poor coworkers if Billie Holliday was the diva who spoke to my pain. She was quieter, always sounding so gloriously anesthetized as she suffered.

But this is different

I admit I thought the Paris Hilton "ordeal" was funny. I actually thought the best resolution to the Scooter Libby issue would be to have Paris serve his time. I laughed when I read the NY Post article about the heiress/jailbird called, "A Pig in the Pokey."

But the Lindsay Lohan thing isn't funny. It's tragic.

First of all, Lindsay is talented. She held her own among veterans and turned in touching performances in both Bobby and Georgia Rule. It's sad to see someone with a gift throw it away with both hands. If people out there are desperate to find a tragic but talented blonde to compare with Marilyn Monroe, Lindsay makes more sense to me than Anna Nicole Smith. Let's hope Lindsay doesn't meet the same fate.

Secondly, it was obvious during the Hilton mess that Paris has parents who care for her. Rescue her and baby her, perhaps, but when Paris was in trouble in court, her first (and I still think riotously funny for a 26 year old) reaction was "Mom!"

The Lohans are almost as dysfunctional as the Culkin Clan. Lindsay's not an heiress, she's the family breadwinner. She's worked all the time, apparently instead of school. Remember her "Be Adequate" email?

I admit I used to find her funny. No more. Now I'm pulling for her.

I found me a new meme!

Welcome to Tina's Tuesdays. Today's three questions are especially tasty

Topic: Flavours

1. What is your favourite flavour of gum? Cinammon (Big Red)
   
2. What is your favourite flavour of ice cream? Mint chocolate chip
   
3. What is your favourite flavour of soda? Coca-Cola

For more information, or to play yourself, go to Tina's Tuesdays.

What's Joe Biden really running for?

I just watched the CNN/You Tube debate. The top tier Democratic candidates is still the top tier, though I agree with the CNN commentator who said Hillary was so dominant that they (Clinton, Obama and Edwards) were like Gladys Knight and the Pips.

Still, the one whose answers I found myself looking forward to was Joe Biden.

I don't agree with him on everything, but he's so smart and so clearly on top of it all when it comes to Iraq and international diplomacy. Very impressive. So I wonder if he has a place (Secretary of State?) in a Clinton, Obama or Edwards administration.

Ha! Gotcha!

When I move among you, you accept me as one of your own …

Your Quirk Factor: 54%

You're a pretty quirky person, but you're just normal enough to hide it. Congratulations - you've fooled other people into thinking you're just like them!

How Quirky Are You?

Look! I'm smiling again!

That oppressive sense of sad has lifted somewhat. It always does. Why can't I remember that? Over the weekend, when my mother finished telling me how very, very worried she is about my two sisters, she asked, "And how are you, my love?"

"Fine," I lied, and then distracted her with a story about my cat Reynaldo, who very creatively and athletically managed to get diarrhea on the wall beside the litter box. (We're pet people, Mom and I; anecdotes like that don't creep us out.)

Anyway, I'm glad I didn't burden her with my slow unraveling because I think the worst is past. After all:

• The sky is bright blue.
• I found $15 I forgot I had, which I promptly spent on a new CD. (Love Finds Its Own Way, aka Gladys Knight's greatest hits. It's a perfect mood lifter for an old fart like me.)
• I got a new pedi, and my nails are now "Sheer Honesty." (Go ahead, ask my toes anything; they won't lie to you.)
• My best friend texted me from his daughters' swim meet to let me know everything is "better." I don't know if that means "fine," but I'm not asking. The important thing is he knew I had a rather extensive dentist appointment Saturday and he was establishing contact and lending support.

I must remember to stay IN THE MOMENT!! The Cubs lost two in a row, but they are still right on the heels of Milwaukee. After the horror that was last season,that should be enough. My best friend's life may not be peachy, but regardless of what he's going through on his end, he thought of my poor, ravaged gums, and I should just be happy with that. Greg Maddux is pitching tonight! I must treasure every opportunity I have to catch the Professor in action. (Have I mentioned that I love him?)

I can't fix everything or everyone. I can't control tomorrow. This moment, what's right in front of me, is good. If I manage to focus on that, I may manage to keep smiling.

Show of hands: How many of you are saying, "duh!" right now?

Gary Coleman frightens me

He has done a series of commercials for a lending company (one that charges an APR of up to 99.25% -- which is scary right there), and the little fella terrifies me. There is nothing cute or warm about him. He cackles about being broke and having no one to turn to. There is clearly something ... otherworldly about him. Perhaps evil. Where is Fox Muldaur when I need him? I know he would understand what I'm talking about!

This is why I hate Barry Bonds

The Natural just came on. I love this movie on so many levels. First, there's Redford looking better than a body has a right to. But let's go beyond that.

This movie is about baseball. In it's best and purest sense. It's about the individual excelling beyond his personal best. It's about the team. It's about right and wrong, lust and virtue. It's Americana, tradition and continuity. The movie begins with Roy playing catch with his dad and ends with Roy playing catch with his son.

Roy gets shot, not a shot in the ass. Roy gets poisoned, but not by Balco.

It's not just that Bonds is a cheat that bothers me. Nor that he's a petulant asshole. It's that he's Bobby Bonds' son. I go back to the first and final scenes of The Natural. Father and son. Generation to generation. I just hate that it's despoiled by steroids.

I am a Cub fan because my grandparents were Cub fans and my parents are Cub fans. We fought about politics and religion, but generation after generation, we call Wrigley Field home. My grandmother's favorite player of all time (even more than Mr. Cub himself, Ernie Banks) was Ryne Sandberg. The lady LOVED her Ryno. At her wake, the neighbors commented on how cute the old girl looked, gardening in her #23 Cubs jacket. I insisted her floral arrangement included a cluster of Cubbie blue in the center. Now when I go to Wrigley Field and see the #23 pennant flying overhead, in honor of Sandberg's retired number, I think of her. And Grandpa. Even my father. All the departed members of my family who watch from above.

Corny? OK. But so is this movie, including John Williams' score. I bet Bonds would never sit through this sentimental, idealized, mythological view of baseball. And that's why, when he inevitably breaks Hank Aaron's record, no one's soul will be stirred. It will be no big deal. I take comfort in knowing someone (A-Rod maybe?) will surpass Bonds soon and all this will just be a bad memory.

A good way to support our troops

There seems to be a sense out there in the blogosphere that the best way to support our troops is to pretend that this war has been well run up until now and is moving a positive direction.

I disagree.

The best way to support our troops is to let them know that you appreciate their sacrifice and that they are in your thoughts. You can do this easily by visiting Operation Shoebox.

This wonderful group has the goal of one shoebox for every soldier. The boxes contain personal care items (everything from baby wipes to nasal spray), playing cards, postcards and notecards and (my favorite to send) condiment packets to liven up those MREs.

C'mon! Who doesn't have catsup or mustard packets in a kitchen drawer? Is there any easier way to support soldiers slogging their way through an unpopular war. Toss those into a padded envelope, along with a check made out to Operation Shoebox (to help them pay for postage), and send it to:

Operation Shoebox
PO Box 1465
Belleview, FL 34421-1465

The entire list of what's needed/accepted, and details about the organization, can be found on their website.

You can be heartsick about this war but still heartened by the courage of our all-volunteer Army. Or you can show your support for the war effort with something other than rhetoric. No matter where you stand on this controversial issue, you can do something lovely for little or no cost.

I promise it will make you feel better.

Unconscious Mutterings #4

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Deputy :: Barney Fife
2. Name :: Brand
3. Arrested :: Development
4. Trade :: Barter
5. Old :: School
6. Fingerprint :: Pawprint
7. Dwarf :: Dopey
8. Newspaper :: Tribune
9. Gabriel :: Angel
10. Certificate :: Birth


For more information, or to play yourself, visit Unconscious Mutterings

If you're in the mood for REALLY desperate housewives ...

When it comes to the movies, I really don't have a mind of my own. Once the Oscar nominations are announced, I head like a lemming to the theater or the video store to see all the honored flicks.

It's taken me a while, but I finally got to Little Children, nominated for 3 Oscars last year (best actress, best supporting actor and adapted screenplay).

I cannot think of enough adjectives for Kate Winslet's performance as a suburban housewife who could not hate her life more. At the beginning of the movie, in her scenes at the playground, you can almost feel her suffocating outdoors. When she falls in love, or perhaps chooses to fall in love, she seems to protect the first real feelings she's experienced in ages the way a mother hen protects her precious nest. And I was especially moved by the way she set her book club back on their heels with her explanation of Madame Bovary. It's as though she's playing a 21st century Rose, suffering through the very fate Jack supposedly saved her from the night a certain famous boat went down.

Jennifer Connelly is a beautiful, decent, talented working wife and mother who doesn't know how to protect her family. Watch her eyes. She understands everything that's going on around her, even if she doesn't articulate it.

Jackie Earle Haley plays a convicted sex offender whose presence not only frightens the parents, it gives them something to do. He's an often sympathetic but not remotely nice man, probably the way real sex offenders who have served their time are as they try to re-enter society. He's played by the runt kid from the 1980s cycling movie Breaking Away. His return to films is powerful and sad.

As is this entire movie. Is it good? Yes, it's exceptional. But it's as dark as the DVD case. I enjoyed Live Free or Die Hard much more. Sometimes I don't want to ... think.

For those of you who wonder what I look like ...

HERE I AM! Can't tell you how much my hats annoy people on the el at rush hour.

Okay, okay … maybe that's not an accurate physical representation of This Old Gal. But Streisand in Hello, Dolly! does provide a creditable reflection of my personality.

Because I am politically left of center, rather verbal, always right about everything and come home every night, hoping to find a hot blond sailor boy nude in my bed, there are those who believe Streisand in The Way We Were is more accurate. But that's only because they aren't familiar with Dolly Levi.

Like Dolly, I have control issues. Few things bother me, perplex and distract me more than a problem I can't resolve, a relationship I can't fix, a puzzle I can't solve. So when my friends and family are navigating rough waters (as they all seem to be doing these days), and I can't make it all better, I go slowly crazy. Because (cue the band) …

"I have always been a woman who arranges things,
for the pleasure--and the profit--it derives.
I have always been a woman who arranges things,
like furniture and daffodils and lives.

If you want your sister courted, brother wed, or cheese imported,
Just leave everything to me.
If you want your roof inspected, eyebrows tweezed, or bills collected,
Just leave everything to me.
If you want your daughter dated, or some marriage consummated,
for a rather modest fee.
If you want a husband spotted, boyfriend traced, or chicken potted,
I'll arrange for making all arrangements
Just leave everything to me.

I'll discretely use my own discretion
I'll arrange for making all arrangements
I'll proceed to plan the whole procedure
Just leave everything to me!"

Lyrics by Jerry Herman

Saturday Special #3

Boy, could I use an imaginary vacation! Thanks to Toni at the Saturday Special for giving me a wonderful excuse to fantasize.

~Vacation Preferences~

1. Traveling by Air, Sea or Land?
Land! Specifically by train (like the Saturday Special). I seldom have time to take Amtrak over long distances, but I wish I could. It's relaxing, and terrific for people watching.

2. Hotel, Camp Grounds or Summer Cottage?
First choice: hotel. Second: summer cottage. For me, campgrounds would feel like a punishment, not a vacation.

3. Sightseeing, Weather Related Sports or Relaxing?
Depends on where I am. New York of DC? Sightseeing! Los Angeles? Relaxing.

4. Favorite vacation season?
Early spring. Pre-spring break, but post-Christmas. I find a really need a break then!

Climb aboard the Saturday Special yourself!

Alison tagged me!

Alison, a Kindergarten teacher from SC whose blog I just discovered through Friday Feast, has tagged me. I'm going to cut and paste the rules just as they appear on her post. (And I encourage you to check out her blog. Scroll down a little and you'll find a funny/cute photo of her mother -- the kind my mom would KILL ME for posting!)

The Rules: “Each person posts the rules before their list, then they list 8 things about themselves. At the end of the post, that person tags and links to other people and then visits those peoples’ sites and comments letting them know that they have been tagged, and to come read the post, so they know what they have to do.”

1. I've never read one of the most influential books of my life, Charlotte's Web. My mom read it to my older sister and I, a chapter a night, one night in my sister's bed and the next night in mine. To this day I cannot kill a spider, strictly adhering to "catch and release," and found myself emotionally opposed to the use of rat poison in my condo building's courtyard. It was just one rat, and what if he was like Templeton? (I lost that battle.) Most of all, I aspire to being, as Wilbur said of Charlotte, "a good writer and a true friend."

2. My niece, enjoying a magic summer between grade school and high school, is, as we speak, wandering around wearing a cape and necktie and carrying a wand. She and her posse are enjoying all the village-sponsored Hogwart's activities until dark, when one of her friend's moms will pick the girls up and take them to Border's for THE BOOK. She didn't expect to see me, waved wildly and hugged me. I suspect that this is a special time -- for once she gets to high school she won't be so into a book launch, nor so willing to hug her old aunt in public. I'm so glad I got to see her today. As the Grinch would say, it made my heart grow three sizes.

3. I have three cats -- Charlotte, Reynaldo and Joey. All shelter babies, each with a most individual personality. Joey is the most aptly named. Friends was required viewing back when I got him and so he's named for Matt LeBlanc's character. A dumber, sweeter and more enduringly charming cat than my old Joe has never lived.

4. I am a news junkie. I can tell you MSNBC's an CNN's evening lineup with great accuracy. I get online news updates throughout the day. I don't know why I do this, since I seldom find the news very happy these days. But I worry that something may happen that I don't know about!

5. I consider myself spiritual, belong to a church, and go sporadically. But we have a new minister (OK, it's been 4 years now, so I guess he's no longer new), and I still haven't taken to him. I don't know if it's because he's so relentlessly cheerful that I doubt there's much intellect going on behind his eyes, or because he's so young it makes me uncomfortable looking to him for guidance. I miss my former minister so much. He wasn't a very charismatic speaker, but he was so smart and wise. Plus his name was (no shit) Reverend Deacon, which cracked me up.

6. Politically I'm liberal, but I prefer the word "inclusive." I am fortunate to have friends of different faiths, ethnicities and sexual orientations in my life and since I know what terrific, loving human beings they are, I'd love to see them better represented.

7. I love books. One of the most beautiful books I've ever read is "In Cold Blood." Yeah, I know. You don't usually see the word "beautiful" and the story of a mass murder in the same sentence. But Truman Capote took that true-life event and made it about destiny, doing it with gorgeous prose. Really. If you haven't read it, don't be afraid to.

8. This all makes me sound so high-brow and la-de-dah. Nothing could be further from the truth! Right now I'm reading yet another book about Princess Diana. I loved Jenny McB's TT about farts. I can be the trashiest gal you've ever met.


I'm tagging these people, but that doesn't mean they'll respond. I'm off to comment them to let them know:


Sparky the Duck

Book Mama

Mo

Kwizgiver

Jenny McB

Izturis sent to Pirates -- and I'm not happy

All we got in exchange for this shortstop was cash and that ever-popular "player to be named later." With Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot, there was just no way he was ever going to get much playing time with the Cubs. Apparently this led to whining, and Lou Pinella doesn't seem to cheerfully endure whining.

So why aren't I happy?

Not quite a year ago, Cesar Izturis was such an important key to our future that we traded my beloved future Hall of Famer Greg Maddux to the Dodgers, just to get him.

Of course, that was the future as envisioned by Jim Hendry and Dusty Baker. We've got a new sheriff in town, and his name is Sweet Lou.

No longer riding on the merry-go-round

My favorite John Lennon song keeps running through my head. I love my best friend. I miss him terribly. When I don't hear from him, everything kinda shuts down. I get scared, anxious, lonesome. My focus isn't as sharp. I worry and I hate it.

He is leaving Los Angeles and returning home today. His wife and kids unexpectedly joined him on the trip to LA. Apparently it didn't go well. Things are "rough" right now between him and his wife and he feels stretched too thin.

I am so sorry to hear that! A child of divorce himself, nothing means more to my best friend than providing a stable environment for his girls. But I can't ask him anymore about what's going on at home -- it's not my business. And I can't keep hurting like this. As John Lennon sang, "I just have to let it go."

I'm not going to stop caring about him. That's not possible. And I won't stop missing him. But I have to let go of all this intensity. I cannot control the outcome of anything of this, so I just have to be patient and hopeful. I just have to wait. I just have to let it go.

"I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round. I just love to watch them roll.
No longer riding on the merry-go-round. I just had to let it go."

Friday's Feast #8

Appetizer: On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being highest) how much do enjoy watching sports on television?
Chicago Cubs baseball = 10; any other baseball = 5; any other sport = 1

Soup: If you could completely memorize any one work of fiction, which one would you pick?
Do plays count? I'd like to be able to quote Tennessee Williams -- Streetcar Named Desire or Sweet Bird of Youth. I love how Tennessee Williams characters speak.

Salad: What is your favorite breakfast food?
Eggs Benedict (which could explain why I look like a fat pigeon)
Main Course: Name something fun you can do for less than $10.00.
Saturday matinee bargain price is $5.50. Either Twizzlers or a small Coke (but not both) and I'm still under $10.

Dessert: How long does it usually take you to fall asleep?
Forever!


Read more Friday's Feasts, or add your own, at www.fridaysfeast.com

Thursday Thirteen #25 -- 13 women I want to hang with in Heaven

Thirteen women THE GAL HERSELF will invite to tea when she gets to Heaven This TT is inspired by Carly Simon’s song about her late mother, “Like a River,” where she wonders if Mom is enjoying the afterlife, “dancing with Ben Franklin on the face of the moon.” Isn’t that a lovely thought? Instead of waltzing with history’s most famous men on the face of the moon, I’d like to celebrate my arrival in Heaven by having a celestial tea party with some of its most famous women. My guest list includes First Ladies, writers, movie stars, an aviator and a princess. 1. Jackie Kennedy Onassis. I’d like her to share how she handled all that with her dignity, strength and integrity in tact? 2. Lady Bird Johnson. A woman of means and intellect, she worked tirelessly toward building LBJ’s career. Yet she lived nearly 35 years after his death. What was that like? Her husband was gone, her children were grown, the spotlight had moved on … Was it lonely, or peaceful? 3. Eleanor Roosevelt. She received so much ridicule during her lifetime! She was ugly. She didn’t know her place. Her voice was grating. Yet today she inspires people all over the country – from friends who have her quotes pinned to their office bulletin boards all the way to Hillary Clinton. She even has her own statue at the FDR Memorial. Do the respect and adulation she receives now, posthumously, help assuage the hurts she endured in life? 4. Mary Lincoln. She once said that she did “the wrong things well.” As she’s watched women’s roles change, century by century, does she wish she lived in a later generation? She certainly would have had an easier time. But then she would not have been right there, with her truly great husband, during a critical time in history. 5. Adela Rogers St. John. Reporter and screenwriter, she had a fabulous career that began with William Randolph Hearst, took her into silent films, had her in the pressbox for the Lindbergh kidnapping trial, and ended with an appearance in Reds. She wrote What Price Hollywood, which was remade twice as A Star Is Born. She even covered the assassination of Huey Long. I’d just love to hear her stories. 6. Lillian Hellman. Playwright, screenwriter, essayist, and true rebel. She was the first woman to be nominated for a screenwriting Oscar, gave HUAC what-for, & Dash Hammett used their love affair as his inspiration for Nick and Nora Charles. Her drinking and her fiery temperament made her life difficult but it fueled her writing. I’d just like to thank her for the entertainment that her writings have given me. 7. Louisa May Alcott. She gave us the March sisters, thereby influencing every woman I know. Shouldn’t that have been enough? No, she was a suffragette and the first woman to vote in Concord, MA. She was an abolitionist who hid a slave in her home. All this, and she died at the tender age of 55. 8. Anne George. It would probably amuse this soft-spoken little lady to be included among these firebrands. Ms. George wrote the charming Southern Sisters mystery novels. Her style was engaging and real. She gave us a pair of sixty-something heroines – Mouse and Aunt Sister – who loved their families, their pets, the South, solving crimes … oh, yeah, and one another. (Even though they bickered about a certain Shirley Temple doll at least once per book.) She only wrote 8 of these slim, adorable volumes, and I’d like her to enchant me with just one more Southern Sisters story. 9. Nancy Dickerson. Before Katie Couric, before Barbara Walters, there was Nancy Dickerson. She was the only woman I remember seeing on the news when I was a little girl in the 1960s. I used to look forward to her appearances because she was so rare – like the okapi at our local zoo. She covered Washington for NBC and got real stories, not fluff pieces about food or fashion. What was it like to be one of the first chicks in the boys’ club? 10. Marilyn Monroe. Her celluloid image is joyous, fuzzy and funny. Her personal life has become a tragic cautionary tale. How could one woman embody two such divergent personae? What was she really like? And do Madonna’s and Anna Nicole Smith’s lame imitations annoy her as much as they do me? 11. Katharine Hepburn. One of a kind. Not simply the first, but the only. The Great Kate. I might be too intimidated to speak to her. But that’s OK, I might not have to. She used to joke that she was her favorite subject, that she found herself endlessly fascinating. I – and much of the world – agree. 12. Amelia Earhart. WHAT HAPPENED? Was it an accident, or did you stage it to escape your marriage? Were you a spy? Did you enjoy an idyllic life on an island for decades? (I hope so). C’mon, spill it. It’s OK, it’s just us girls. 13. Princess Diana. I don’t know why she touches me so, she just does. I’d find it comforting to see that she’s happy and at peace. Besides, if I’m going to have tea in Heaven, I want a royal there. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. Toni's is 13 of her favorite girls' names 2. Jenny's TT is musical and fragrant and hilarious 3. As fate would have it, Wylie's is about smells, too (but hers is FAR more PC) 4. You won't believe all the uses for peroxide Lori came up with 5. L^2 posted a TT that is positively supernatural 6. The Lady Rose does some Internet research about ... "The Lady Rose" 7. Gattina, who seems to have some doubts about my ascent into Heaven, has 13 completely charming quotes 8. Hootin' Ani's is all about the joys of summer 9. Miss Frou Frou's monumental 100th TT is up! 10. If you're a cat lover (and aren't all the best people cat lovers) then Dorothy's TT is a heart tugger 11. Supina's is a classic TV TT 12. Sue's TT is a riot about the life lessons we get from horror films 13. Gabriella offers a delightfully adult TT 14. Mo's TT is all critter pix (including some extremely charming kittens) 15. Puss Reboots full-color TT is up. 16. Qtpies chronicles a harrowing dental nightmare. Enter if you dare! 17. In Adelle's TT, she channels Maya Angelou


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To cleanse your palate

That whole Michael Vick thing is so icky that I thought you'd enjoy reading about a couple of athletes who get it:

Back in 1990, when he was manager of the Oakland A's, Tony LaRussa saw a black cat wander onto the field. The fans went wild (perhaps they'd heard of our curse!) and terrified the poor thing. Tony's heart went out to her and he helped the umpires capture her, and then kept her safe in the clubhouse until the game was over.

He drove the cat around the Bay area looking for a shelter to leave her at, but was dismayed to find that the odds were she'd be euthanized. By now she and Tony were buds, so he couldn't let that happen. He found her a new home on his own and then he and his wife opened ARF. His Animal Rescue Foundation is not only a no-kill shelter, it also offers free spay/neuter services and oversees a pet therapy program that brings dogs and cats to visit the elderly and abused.

I've contributed to ARF and know it meets all the BBB's standards. If you'd like to help out:
Tony La Russa's Animal Rescue Foundation
P.O. Box 30215
Walnut Creek, CA 94598

I hope all who visit appreciate how difficult it is for me to give any Cardinal props. However, I'm lovin' Lou and I'm loving my Cubs so I've become a kinder, gentler Gal.

And then, of course, there's my beloved, future Hall of Famer Greg Maddux. He and his wife Kathy fund and run the appropriately titled Greg Maddux Foundation. Says she, "We put money into it Greg receives from appearances. And we use it to support children's homes, domestic crisis shelters for battered women, and boys and girls clubs in Atlanta and Las Vegas." Because Greg Maddux funds it himself, donations aren't solicited. But it gives me a chance to run a photo of him. (I do dearly love that man.)