Working it through

Are you as sick of reading about my grief as I am of feeling it? I spent some time discussing it with my shrink today and she thinks I'm doing as well as can be expected, and my impatience is a good thing – it means I'm inching my way through it. She warned me, though, about "toxic positivity." That I shouldn't work too hard to put a good face on my feelings, because that's not real and it won't help my healing.

One thing that's helped me get a grip on the grief is putting it in perspective, examining the "why" behind it. It's bothered me that my mourning for Henry and John has been greater than my grief over losing my mom. Somehow that doesn't seem right, does it? I mean, they were my dearest friends but she was my mother. What did this say about me?

Nothing. It says nothing.

Part of what got me through losing my mom was having Henry and John. Henry met my mother and they got along so well. John had already lost his own mother and knew just what to say. 

And they weren't just my friends, they were the brothers I chose. If my mom was here today, she'd help me through losing Henry and John. But she's not. 

So I don't have Henry. I don't have John. I don't have my mom and my oldest friend is too chaotic and absorbed with her own stuff to be any help. I'm facing this with no ballast. So of course I'm struggling.

Understanding this helps.  

Now I just want the pain to be over already!