Today felt important

Hauled my ass to church this morning. The sermon was about "courage." In this context, it means we're supposed to "flex" our "courage muscles" in terms of social justice. Certainly I'm for that -- I mean, who isn't? But that isn't the message that fed my soul. I interpreted it to mean I need to flex my courage muscles in more personal and exigent matters. As my life enters this new chapter, I have to be more brave about trying new things, more open about trusting people and asking for help.

Every week, our minister says that the church is "made joyful by our laughter and holy by our tears." There is a power to being in that space. I admit my mind was wandering all over the place while the service was going on, but that doesn't mean my spirit wasn't fed by my time there. I know what I want my online portfolio to say. I feel energized about writing it. I feel that was God's hand, nudging me along.

Then I had a gettogether with my aunt, her husband and my kid sister and her husband. It was the first time we'd all been together in two years. My aunt loves me, and has been working on maintaining a relationship with me, and I treasure that. Her husband is a good man, too. At one point, over clam chowder and one too many rum-and-cokes, I blurted what was going on at work, and how scared I am.

The results made me happy. I got a lot of support. Encouragement. Affection. I had been feeling very alone and isolated and obsessed. Much of that is alleviated.

I don't have to be strong all the time. I do have resources, even if they aren't financial. I will get through this. And I'll do it with my smarts and my spirit.

I have to protect and nurture this feeling that started at church today.