I survived physical abuse. When I was a teen, I was sexually molested by a revered older male relative. For the first 17 years of my life I was regularly beaten by my bigger, older sister. These two realities set the stage for a long, abusive relationship when I was in my 20s. I somehow came to believe that was my "lot in life," that somehow it's OK to handle me and treat me anyway you wish.
That is not the case. I deserve dignity, respect and kindness.
When I turned 30, I ended that abusive relationship, entered therapy and joined a church.
More than 20 years later, I still struggle. I ended a relationship with a good man perhaps prematurely, I was so worried about walking down that doormat road again. I have problems with intimacy -- I am more honest on this blog than I am in life. My shrink said my past has made me too reluctant to let people see my "backstage." And I worry about what is my fault, what is my responsibility, and what is not.
But I am, for the most part, a happy woman. I have a solid sense of humor and many good friends whom I treasure. I find joy in the world around me. My past has made me strong, independent and resilient, and those are all things I'm grateful to God for.
Thank you for sharing this with us :)
ReplyDeleteI felt that. Every word. I feel for you, and know you should be proud of what you've accomplished.
ReplyDeleteDon't fall into the trap of worrying about whether it's "your fault" that you act a certain way. If it's working for you, great. If it isn't, you get to decide what to do about it.
In the meantime, keep being happy :)