I'm trying not to be ...

… but still, I'm pissed.

My oldest friend hates her job. She's battling with both her troubled daughter and her daughter's school. She somehow came down with MRSA, and that's most emphatically not fun. She hasn't made any friends in her 2 1/2 years in California, so her support system is only a cousin who lives 90 minutes away (and that's in good traffic).

So I do things to try to cheer her up. She is (shudder) an unabashed Fanilow so I sent her a link to an MSNBC story about how good Manilow's Broadway show is. Days went by before she clicked on the fucking thing.

Today was Lincoln's birthday. She's an Abe-o-phile, so I sent her a nice little Punchbowl "birthday" e-card to brighten her day. She still hasn't clicked on the link.

She sent me a two-sentence email about how she's interviewing for a new/different job at Cedars and closed it with, "And how are you doing?"

I didn't answer. Why bother? I mean, how do I know she'd bother looking at my reply?

I understand depression and ruts. I'm in one myself -- getting fatter and fatter and sleeping more and eating more instead of working out and cleaning my pigsty. I am self-aware enough to know what's behind it.* I'm working on it.

So I'm not judging her for landing in a dark place. I am, however, judging her for taking me so completely for granted. You can't, on the one hand, complain about being alone and isolated and then, on the other hand, disregard acts of kindness.

Oh, well. She and I have been doing this dance for half a century. Neither of us is going to change, so I'd better just get my mind around it and accept her as she is. But I'm going to give myself some time to cool off. I deserve that.

*The ongoing agita over my mother's estate and worry about my professional future. Oh yeah, and I have been sick.