Tuckered out

I don't recall how we got onto the subject last night, but my mother was talking about how great anti-depressants are. I don't necessarily disagree, having been on them for just over three years myself. But my mother was rhapsodizing how much better they work than talk therapy. "I'm one of those people who puts my past behind me."

One: I don't intend to be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life, the way my mother is. This is a result of menopause. When it's safe for me to cast them aside, I shall.

Two: She knows how long I've been in therapy, and how important it is/has been to me. I think she feels I blame her, because the thought of my therapy makes her defensive. It leaves me weary.

Three: My mom has said some really crappy things to me over the last six-eight months. I have chalked it up to her still dealing with stuff ... especially her anger at her sister-in-law, my Aunt Jo. My aunt wants to have a closer relationship with me, and my mother sees red whenever she hears my aunt's name (even though they haven't spent time together since the Clinton Administration). If she, like Charlie Sheen, is able to cure herself with her mind and just put her past behind her, then why is she so pissy?

I confronted her about #3 Saturday night. I told her I'm not trying to change her, that I love her as she is, but that she really does have to be haunted by the people and things from her past because they do color her present. That her anger overrides her compassion and common sense and she blurts things that hurt my feelings.

She said she was sorry, that she didn't realize I was "so sensitive," that when certain subjects come up she doesn't even include me "in the equation," and that from now on she will be more careful. She reiterated that she does love me, and I reminded her that I love her and sometimes still need a mommy. Hurtful things bother me more when they come from her because she's supposed to love me, she's supposed to have my back.

I am glad we cleared the air, I hope she is, too, but it's left me tired, tired, tired.