Last night on the couch ...

We covered a lot of ground last night:

Much of the depression I experienced lately could be tied to Vicodin. The pain killer enhanced my comfort physically -- after all, the dentist sliced deep into my gums, cut bone, and stitched me up. Without the medication it would have been excruciating. But it also left me feeling fuzzy, and that fuzziness left me feeling vulnerable and clouded my judgement. That left me feeling profoundly uncomfortable.

Likewise the work on my veins, while completely voluntary, is putting my body through changes, and my body is reacting and perhaps rebelling. I can't ignore the impact the physical can have on the emotional.

Much -- but not all -- of my blues can be tied to that. Mother's Day was difficult for me because I realize my mother is aging. She's 75, and her time is short. Death and loss are a natural part of life, but that doesn't make them any easier to accept. In addition to knowing how much I will miss my mom, it's occurring to me that when she dies, so will much of my sense of family. I don't like my sisters.

This saddens me, and yet also leaves me feeling liberated in a way. For when my mother does die -- and she's feeling better these days, thank God, so nothing is imminent -- I have close friends I can turn to. My oldest friend has made it clear I always have a place for the holidays with her. And just as I spent New Year's in Key West, so I can spend Christmas. Saying all this aloud gave it a feeling of, "there, that's settled."

So last night's time on the couch was a most productive 50 minutes.