Wednesday, June 18, 2025

Thursday Thirteen #416

The rumpled raincoat edition. I admit it: I'm hooked on a 50-year-old TV series. I love Columbo, which ran from 1971 to 1978 and is available on streaming services and in reruns on Cozi TV.* The format is unique in that we see the murder and know the motive before our hero, Lt. Columbo, even arrives on the scene. So the question is never Whodunnit. Each episode is about how the killer will be caught. We love watching the baddies underestimate the working stiff cop, the guy with the beat-up used car and ancient raincoat, who is actually luring them into giving themselves away.
 
Columbo has been top-of-mind recently because I read a lot of mysteries and I notice a trend. In contemporary crime fiction, the murders are simple on the surface but end up taking us overseas and involve terrorists, arms dealers, foreign oil, etc. My eyes roll so far back into my head I see my own brain. It's not that I doubt these crimes happen – I'm sure they do. It's just that I don't think they happen that often. These convoluted multi-national conspiracies are like the quicksand trope in cartoons when we were kids. It's just not that prevalent. When there's a murder, the police still question the spouse first, consider global conspiracies later. Way later.
 
With that in mind, I've looked at the most enduringly popular Columbo episodes and the killer's motives. The writers and producers knew what they were doing. While each mystery is set in a different milieu, which keeps the series fresh, each is also based on a relatable circumstance and watching the brilliant Columbo unravel the mystery it is easy to follow. I guess this approach is old school, and I prefer it.
 
Culled from Columbo fansites, and my own opinion, here are the best episodes. (What I've disclosed here can't be considered spoilers; you find all this out within the first 15 minutes of the show.)

1. Suitable for Framing (1971). A famous LA art critic shoots his uncle, a millionaire art collector, and stages it lo look like a robbery. His motive? Unc is leaving all his art to his nephew, who doesn't want to wait for natural causes.

2. Death Lends a Hand (1971). The head of a high-end security firm (Robert Culp) is worried about losing one of his most lucrative clients. That is until he discovers the client's wife is having an affair. Culp confronts the wife, threatening to blackmail her unless she uses her influence to keep the account where it is. The wife turns out to be spunkier than the investigator anticipated. She promises to tell her husband about the affair herself and then expose what a sleaze Culp is. They tussle and he accidentally kills her. This one was cool because the Culp is so good at covering his tracks and has so many resources at his disposal to mislead the police.   

3. Lady in Waiting (1971). The head of an influential advertising agency had a son and a daughter. When he died, he left the business to them, only the son is more iron-handed than dad had been. He controls the company to the exclusion of his sister and interferes in her love life. She's in her mid-30s now and pretty damn sick of being oppressed, of waiting her turn. She "accidentally" shoots her brother and blames it on a malfunctioning burglar alarm. "Officer, I thought he was a burglar!" She might have gotten away with it if she didn't so relish her new role as the new head of the agency.

4. Ransom for a Dead Man (1971). When the ambitious lady lawyer married her mentor, he was of great use to her. But now the old guy is a drag, especially with his talk of morals, integrity and reputation. So she shoots him, hides his body, and makes it seem his disappearance is the result of a kidnapping. When the corpse is found, everyone tip toes around her, believing her to be a grieving widow. She wears that reputation her husband/victim droned on and on about like a halo. But Columbo is onto her.  

5. Etude in Black (1972). An orchestra conductor is having fun with his pianist. It stops being fun when she decides hot sex entitles her to more than he's willing to give. After all, his wife and mother-in-law are super wealthy and well connected. He can probably get hot sex somewhere else but where else is he going to get all that lovely money and access to important people who can promote his orchestra? So, after setting up an elaborate alibi that includes witnesses watching him retire to his dressing room and a mechanic who swears he had no access to his car all afternoon, he knocks his mistress out, pecks out a "goodbye, cruel world" note on her typewriter, and drags her into the kitchen and puts her head in the gas oven. Obviously it's a suicide, right? Well, not so obvious to Lt. Columbo.

6. Lovely but Lethal (1973). A beauty company executive is desperate for a new product that will help her earn back market share. She thinks she's got it with a new wrinkle cream. But here's the thing: the formula was developed by a young chemist with lots of sex appeal – he's sharing her bed – but no scruples. He threatens to take the formula to the competition if she doesn't give him a payday. She's hurt, furious, betrayed, scared ... and in a crime of passion the chemist ends up dead. No one can believe the elegant, ladylike and above reproach exec could be involved with anything as tawdry as murder. No one, but Columbo. (The chemist was Martin Sheen. It's worth watching just to see how hot he was 50 years ago.)

7. Publish or Perish (1974). An author known for sleazy detective novels wants to write more respectable fare and is switching publishers. His current publisher can't have his writer making money for someone else. And hey! If the author dies before he can sign with another house, his existing catalog of work will make his current publisher even more money! After all, dead writers are often worth more than living ones. So ... The author's plight reminds me a little of Paul Sheldon, who (ahem) found it hard to quit writing about Misery in 1987.

8. Negative Reaction (1974). A once-respected photojournalist has been taking celebrity/society portraits to maintain his wife in the style to which she's become accustomed. He's tired of being a sell out and wants to return to his journalistic roots, but what to do with about wife? A divorce would ruin him financially, so he does the sensible thing (if you're a sociopath) and kills her. Most distressing about this episode is that the killer is played by Dick Van Dyke! I couldn't bear it. Oh, Rob!

9. An Exercise in Fatality (1974). A TV health guru opens a chain of fitness centers and sells a franchise to a dumpy used car dealer. But while the car dealer doesn't understand health and fitness, he can read a spreadsheet and knows he's being ripped off. Before he can blow the whistle on the guru, he's found in the weight room of his own fitness center, his windpipe crushed by a barbell. The guru tells Columbo his "friend" clearly had begun a fitness regimen and tried to do too much too soon. Columbo ain't buying it. 

10. Troubled Waters (1975). A car company exec rewards his top-selling dealers with a cruise from Los Angeles to Cabo. He didn't know the ship's entertainer was a girl he'd had a fling with. She recognizes the embarrassment she could cause him by revealing their affair and wants money in exchange for her silence. He refuses and soon she's dead. He's pretty sure he'll get away with it because they're at sea, in international waters, and by the time they get to port and the authorities can board the ship, he will have destroyed and/or planted evidence. Only one problem – Guess who is taking an infrequent and well-deserved vacation: Lt. Columbo and his wife.

11. Swan Song (1975). A gospel singer has charisma, a love of the Lord, and a weakness for a well-turned ankle. He wants to enjoy the money his music is making but his sanctimonious wife – whom he unwisely put in charge of his finances – wants to build a megachurch. When the plane he was piloting crashes and the two other passengers – his wife and underage mistress – are killed, no one suspects him. After all, he received serious injuries in the crash, too. But wait a minute. Columbo doesn't think it all adds up. Johnny Cash plays a surprisingly sympathetic baddie.

12. Forgotten Lady (1975). A documentary about classic Hollywood draws new attention to a faded musical star. When her career stalled, she married a nice older doctor and settled into life as a society doyenne. But now she's in the spotlight again and dreams of a comeback. She convinces herself she can star in a stage musical if only that old coot of husband of hers will give her the money to finance it. He is more realistic than she is, about both her bankability and their finances, and refuses. So she kills him and makes it look like suicide. There's a highly original and emotionally resonant plot twist that makes this episode one of my favorites.

13. Now You See Him (1976). The owner of an LA nightclub has interesting leverage over his star attraction, a celebrity magician. He discovered that decades ago, under a different name, the magician had been an SS guard. If the magician doesn't agree to a new, owner-friendly contract, the owner will send the info to immigration. Not surprisingly the owner ends up dead. But the magician has an alibi that is literally airtight – he was onstage, submerged in a tank of water, while the murder took place. The entire audience saw him. Or did they?

*I never watched Columbo in real time. I just wasn't into mysteries back then and in those long ago days, before DVDs and video recording, if you missed a show, pfft!, it was gone. But not only is Columbo on Cozi-TV every Saturday, it's available on all these streaming services.


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