I believe in Vaughnistan

So happy to hear that Jen and Vince haven't broken up. It's pathetic, I know, but I actually do care.

First of all, I felt bad for her that, while Friends was winding down and she was facing a new chapter in her career, she also had to deal with whether or not her husband was falling in love with another woman. Then she had to watch him have the most famous, most beautiful baby of the year with this woman ... all while we were watching her. It was so cool that Courtney Cox and Matthew Perry seemed to stick her like glue when she was at the center of the tabloid tornado. I liked that the Friends were her friends, as well.

I thought she handled it with a lot of grace. Plus it was just upsetting to me that Jennifer Aniston isn't pretty enough to hold her man. I mean, if that's true, what chance do the rest of us have?

Then there's Vince. He's a local boy and a Cub fan. Plus there's something very sweet and down-to-earth about him. And funny. Pretty fads, Mr. Pitt, but talent is forever.

Of course, this "reconciliation" could just be a publicity stunt to coincide with the DVD release of their movie, The Breakup. But I'd rather believe in love.

Who stole the Topinka? Someone call the cops!

Somebody stole the Topinka!

Our Republican gubernatorial* candidate, Judy Baar Topinka, resides in the Chicago suburb of Riverside. Her son, Joseph, is a Major in the U.S. Army Judge Advocate General’s Corps. Joe and his wife, Christina, live in Washington state where he is assigned as the Center Judge Advocate for Madigan Army Medical Center located at Fort Lewis, Washington. He is a graduate of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and Northern Illinois University Law School.

The above facts are lifted almost verbatim from the "family" section of her official website, judyforgov.com.

So where's her husband? He's missing! I demand to know who stole the Topinka!

I have been fixating on the missing Mr. Topinka for months now. I even emailed the Chicago Tribune, our paper of record for this gubernatorial campaign, to get to the bottom of it. They don't even know. According to the Tribune fact checker, the last reference to Mr. Topinka is related to their legal separation in 1981.

If they are still legally married, and she wins, won't he automatically become First Lady of Illinois?

Obviously I find all this funny because ... well, it is. The other candidate, Governor Rod Blagojevich, is locked in mortal combat with his father-in-law, a powerful Chicago alderman. It was allegations made by Alderman Richard Mell in the local press that has fueled much of the speculation about Rod's vulnerability to bribes. So it's not like family hasn't already played a role in this campaign.

And when it comes to federal campaign, spouses play such a big role. Ask Hillary Rodham Clinton and Teresa Heinz Kerry.

So sing it with me, please, "Topinka, Topinka, WHO STOLE THE TOPINKA?"

*"Gubernatorial" is one of my all-time favorite words.